Mouth Big Brain Small

super busy trying to plan the trip.. and oh no no hotels! hope i don't have to sleep along champs elysees...

typed this last saturday, in a febrile-with-bilateral-tonsillar-exudates-and-studying-paeds mood.. which isn't great.. but well.. it's something i have to put up though i hesitate.. to explain for our absence. ok, i'm thinking of absence seizures now.. no more no more..

hee hee.. those pictures were taken a month ago..

see everyone in 3 weeks..

here we go:

When my brother said he wants to get into medicine too, and he’s obviously smart enough, my heart stopped in fear. What did I do to him these 5 years? Promptly warned him that he would never play guitar hero again, or have the energy to swing on my door so I can call him tarzan.. and worst of all, he’ll be like me. Didn’t work, he’s studying harder than ever.

There was something else I wanted to tell him, but didn’t know how to break it to an idealistic 18 year old.


Mf and I spent pretty long lingering around the different canteens, just like old times.. maybe we just wanted to feel like real undergraduates again. Kinda enjoyed going to yih everyday to study, managed to use the laptop on campus for once, wear a t-shirt, and well, actually be somewhat normal.
Used to be one of those who wanted to prove everyone wrong: there is such a thing as a life outside medicine..
But of course I was completely proven wrong, over the years.

She said, “no one understands.” In that all-too-familiar sad tone. Funny, belle said the same thing to me one month ago. Back then, I tried to comfort her. But now, I really had to relent. “ you’re right. They don’t. and they never will.”

Not here to complain.. but I think all of us feel bad.. when we constantly say, “sorry I’m on call..” as if it were some excuse.. but I’d rather not be a friend, than be one who’s never there. Rather not commit to a ministry than arrive 2 hours late trying to lead worship in a post- call grade 3 encephalopathic state (still haven’t forgiven myself for that). So to that junior, u’re right, I am a loner. And I fear the day you too, will realize why.

finally understand why I keep running. finally understand why I can be so distant. finally understand these lines:
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cos I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Felt like an alien all the time, frantically flipping thru books, frowning at the screen trying to figure out the 10 causes of CN7 palsy thinking about CN3/4/6/9 that I have to remember too; while everyone else in yih/ coffee bean/ macs are happily chatting away.. I feel like a freak.

Now that the home-hospital cycle is momentarily stopped, I’m lost. I’ve forgotten how to live in this world. If I go back to normal life, then what will happen 3 weeks from now, when it’s down to one meal a day … if I ever stray from this odd path, somebody please shoo me back..

Think most of us are struggling with why God will call us to do a job that allows us to go to church only once or twice a month..

But I’ll remember what dr L said, do it just for the audience of One.

Guess the worst part is seeing the people around me bear the consequences. How many times have I asked, if not for the fact that I were here, would they have to spend so much on fees? Would they see me more often? Would the business have been better? I tried my best, refused to let anyone give me lifts at 6.30am, refused a car.. reminded them constantly years in advance that they’ll see me only few times a week, but my mum is still aghast about calls. Even though they haven’t started.

Enough is enough. No way will I ever let anyone else suffer with me.

It’s time to go back to hospital life; fortunately or unfortunately, after osces, I realized that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Gosh, I can’t imagine what joy I’d have if I weren’t in Christ.
Oh Lord, help me live the life You chose for me. Some days it’s just not that easy. Could it be any harder..

Yup my blog is pretty melancholic, but really, would u just want to know that happy side of me?

Haha, besides my brother says the =)=)=)=) is irritating him.

When my mum told me I have to travel on my own, I freaked out. And freaked out that I freaked out. This will be my 7th time traveling alone anyway.
not sure what scares me more, the fact that my independence is so strong, or that it’s not real.

Perhaps it’s the pre-long trip blues, I don’t even know why I’m going. Well, the only reason is, this is the last holiday I have.

Kindly check on me in a year’s time.

Loved this song, during that soft rock phase years ago. But love it more now:

This is my life

It's not what it was before

All these feelings I've shared

And these are my dreams

That I'd never lived before

Somebody shake me 'cause I

I must be sleeping

Now that we're here, it's so far away

All the struggle we thought was in vain

And all the mistakes, one life contained

They all finally start to go away

And now that we're here, it's so far away

And I feel like I can face the day

And I can forgive

And I'm not ashamed to be The Person that I am today

These are my words That I've never said before

I think I'm doing okay

And this is the smile

That I've never shown before

Somebody shake me 'cause I

I must be sleeping

Now that we're here, it's so far away

All the struggle we thought was in vain

And all the mistakes, one life contained

They all finally start to go away

And now that we're here, it's so far away

And I feel like I can face the day

I can forgive

And I'm not ashamed to be The Person that I am today

I'm so afraid of waking

Please don't shake me

Afraid of waking

Please don't shake me

-staind so far away

Will you find out who you are.. too late to change? Wish I could be every little thing..
Ok, Brenda is right. what’s up with the soft rock again?

Still love this song:

In the chaos, in confusion

I know You’re Sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness

You give me grace to do Your will

learning to live in the moment, each minute is a gift from God.. forget the past, not worry about the future..

just thankful for every second i have..