Psalm 119:71 It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.

belle asked us to prepare a sharing session on how God has helped us throught the past year.. and i thought, well, guess He mainly helped me by placing certain people and situations in my life, for i admit, that in the past year, i was too caught up to hear His voice. and of course, we didn't have time to share in the end.. but last night, basking in the glow of a faded heart-shaped lamp in the living room, everything came back to me as an unfamiliar feeling creeped over me, the feeling of.. warmth.

as i looked on to the new lamp, the replacement, it didn't seem to sparkle like it did in the store, but i suppose, that's how it is with all things, their beauty just degenerates.

2007 was, simply a year of struggles.
starting off, i was suddenly faced with the biggest challenge of my life, that 4 years of medical school never prepared me for: to be the team leader of the battle between life and death, with some nights not knowing which end i'll be on. the worst part was having to hide all weakness, all sadness, and being strong enough to take charge. and the gift of knowledge worked against my favour, having to decide what to reveal to whom and when, and knowing the repercussions on everyone and making life-changing decisions for myself that were heart-wrenching, yet having no time to deal with the pain. but the strength, truly, never came from me. it came from the Lord, nights of sobbing (under the blanket) with Psalms in hand, prayers that were somewhat never answered it seemed, except for the ones that went "oh Lord, please please help me get through this day. i'm so tired, please give me the strength".

suffice to say, throw in a cafe, jewellery store and it's small wonder i winded up at the bottom of the batch that semester. as patho exam showed, i learnt that really, i shoudl rely on Him instead of my minute capacities.

i'd love to say, "oh but it made me a better person".. sadly it did not, for unlike other leaderships, this was one in which i could not afford to fail. instead, i became a type A++++++++, impatient, sometimes mean, with ?thyrotoxicosis/ phaeo/ Conn's/ anxiety disorder. somewhere along the way, i lost the capacity to love completely, for various reasons; mostly because i didn't allow myself to become emotionally involved throughout this time. it was as if, i became somewhat inhuman.

before i knew it, whisked off to melbourne before things were settled.. but i soon learnt to spend time alone, and come to terms with God's plan for me.. and appreciate His beauty and not just comfrt in sorrow once again, and realising that hey, i am still alive.

when i came back, it was as if someone had hit the reset button, and i was, almost, back to where it started (save for the family business). of course, i was so foolish to expect everything to be the same, but 6 months is a long time, many things had changed.

once again, medical internship brought a whole new whirlwind of activity, and sometimes small prayers said while running in the corridors helped at 5am, but mostly, strength again.. although janine taught me to pray for the little things, like trying to get to cgh on time and not missing bus-stops = P honestly the rest of 5th year was just panicking over each posting.. surgical internship was somewhat similar, but different. again, following Him on a daily basis helped let go of all mishaps that were there the day before..

i suppose i neglected to see the big picture, or was so busy poring down notes, prodding obsessively while offing drains, scrutinising for any sutures left behind, but when i looked up, i found.. that everyone had moved on. it was like one of those nightmares where you fell asleep and woke up to find everyone was ahead of you. they gently called me to join them. in my bitter selfishness, i pouted, "that's unfair! why didn't you wait for me?" was of the opinion, that God had to grant it to me first, the fruit of the Spirit, before i had anything to show of it. eventually, they shocked me by saying, "you want to know why? u're grumpy and unlovely, and we don't love you anymore. so just get out of our lives."

of course, i'd be lying if i said i enjoy living on my own. but suppose God wanted me to learn how to live with Him. and He answered my prayer, just when i thought He didn't.. the almost daily one of, "Lord, i really want to love others again with Your love, i don't know why i can't seem to do it anymore, but teach me please" and so slowly, i learnt how to love again, thinking of ways to make others feel cared for with whatever limited time there was, showing joy at the few opportunities; no it's not perfect, and i'm still not the person i used to be, but at least, there is progress.

last night, i saw how everyone had recovered.. how they were happier than before, so much more mature than before, so much milder than before, so much more fulfilled.. and they did all these on their own. as usual, being the melancholic idiot that i am, still stuck somewhere in the woods.

so the focus of 2008, is 2 words: move on. kept praying that God will help me do so, and He opened many doors for me, but well, i failed to see that i still needed that human step, that resolve to say, i don't care anymore what the world thinks of me, or what happened in the past. it's a new phase, with a scary mbbs and what even senior consultants dub "the worst year of my life" that is HO-ship, but in the midst of the activity, if the aussie and ttsh examples are anything to go by, i want to find her again, i long to hear others say again, " oh i really love your smiles!" "you're so cheerful aren't you?", knowing that this time, the joy cometh not just from me (which i neglected to realise, is also crucial) , but also from Jesus = )