cerebral oedema

Prof I note that this patient is a 23/c/f with prominent bilateral dennis-morgan folds, periorbital hyperpigmentation and multiple strands of white hair likely secondary to reaching the hospital before 7am daily. In addition, she has trunkal obesity and appears lethargic. On examination of the peripheries, there are prominent pen marks and palmar pallor. I am unable to complete my assessment as the patient has now fallen asleep. My provisional diagnosis is that of 1) upcoming MBBS in 12 days 2) caffeine addiction 3) iPod overuse; although I am aware that these conditions may co-exist. I would like to complete my examination by 1) giving a test dose of 30cents mocha 2) checking for visual acuity loss and 3) palpating for any lower limb tenderness. My recommendations for this patient include 1) long conversations with brothers-in-Christ eg Victor and Thomas as I note her previous (grateful) good response 2) respite care and 3) less blogging.


another 6 months?? please please please let this be the final mbbs.

sacrifices are an inevitable part of life, someone once told me, but.. they still hurt. sometimes it motivates you, to remember all that you've already given up these 5 years, so just a little more.. just a little bit more and it'll be over, it'll all be worth it.

Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

helpless

thankful for huizhi's sharing yesterday.

i suppose zj put it absolutely perfectly, in our short conversation.

"you either pass now, or you don't, at this late stage. so just enjoy your life la."

just realised, that save for nlc, there was never a day of leisure since july last year. that's how long i've been trying, just to catch up. but i suppose sacrifices hit you when you're walking alone, coughing and sneezing in the hot sun, just to get to the pharmacy for lozenges.

how silly, to worry about something i can't control.

how silly, to believe that 6 months of absenteeism from clinical experience can be made up for by mugging. it needs, well.. another 6 months. ever heard of deconditioning?

how silly, to not plan my trip till now.

how silly, to fall ill right now, at such an important time.

was so so happy to go back to ward 55 on saturday.. everyone was doing their rounds, met up with dr L and dr S and they seemed as delighted as i was.. wonderful seeing all the nurses again.. and that was when it struck me, it didn't matter what the outcome of mbbs was, the important thing is, over the past 5 years, i have learnt how to become a better doctor.

ok, fail then fail lor. what to do. just gonna try my absolute best for another 3 weeks. there have been way too many regrets in my life.

yes Lord, i'm really leaving it in Your hands now..

too little too late

sigh. how. it really seems like a big joke.

just one month to the biggest exam of my life ie the one that determines employment and well, the rest of my life basically.

it's not a matter of not being prepared. it's about going in being asked about everything but knowing nothing, despite 3 years (or for me 2 and a half) of hard work.

i can almost imagine it.

" this patient has hypo-reflexia.."
"no it's because you didn't elicit it properly."

"there are inflammatory causes such as ABC, neoplastic causes such as DEF.."
"in other words, you don't know what's going on."

"...."

sigh. it's my biggest problem, whenever i want something, it's never a simple matter of " oh i shall work hard to get it" but a whole string of " do i deserve it.. what if i fail.. do others want it more than me..." and before i know it, poof! it's gone. usually into the hands of someone else.

worse still if this is what God wants me to do, and yet i forever feel as if i can't attain it.. i wish i could have more confidence in Him.. more than the belittling i place on myself.

make me choice wine! i don't want to be tasteless water anymore.

and i really shouldn't be blogging anymore either.

2 Corinthians 3:5
Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God.

ok.. at least it was a happy and blessed cny =)

the gift

left the familiar gates, with a heavy heart, but for a different reason today.

it was time to bid goodbye to a dream that was all of fifteen years old.

somehow the distance widened, as i dragged my feet in the night air.

just like the distance between aptitude and attitude.

alas, i will look nowhere but to You. through this disappointment that pointed nowhere but to myself. i will trust Your guidance.


ok, here's to the last new year i can spend with family.. i will learn to be joyful in that.
operation love and joy has been going pretty well so far.. not by my effort but His grace of course.

many times we have been warned, so i'm extra super careful when speaking to patients' relatives, not to give something. something worse than false accusation, false testimony, false praise.. it's called false hope. hope that makes you dream of the beautiful best wonderful scenario, only to be let down, thrown into the deep suffocating ocean in the end. the past weeks made me realise that there is only one true hope that is to be believed, it lies not in mankind, the hope of salvation is the only thing that stands.

i suppose i was chased out of that room long ago. but of course, i stood in the doorway, not knowing what was left behind. but now, i see a picture of bliss and contentment.. so finally, smiling, i closed the door. now i'll finally walk in the corridor by myself.. to be the strong and independent person everyone expected of me, and that i've come to expect of myself as well. miss independent. working hard for mbbs.

oh well back to the books. (and gym i hope) take care everyone.

learnt a valuable lesson: that love doesn't always lead to hurt. and hurt doesn't always mean love.
"The mountains may disappear and the hills may come to an end, but my love for you will never disappear and my promise of peace will not come to an end."
Isaiah 54:10