dx: confusion--- resolving

"speak to more people"





ok.





" i believe in working as a team."





at last.





" do it for the people, but not just for the people."





" what do you want out of this? do you just want to rise fast? or be firm before going on?"





" ultimately, you need motivation.. what gets you through reviews at midnight.. for the rest of your life."





i think so.....


except i made the same mistake of trying to run the show by myself .


only when i let go.. do i find, quite clumsily, that He does a way better job than me.





let go... only then can you stand on your own two feet. and they are your own. feel them.





unless of course, you made the same mistake of going running before a call.





what's worse than a sunday call.. it's 2 consecutive sunday calls. oh my goodness not-so-gracious me.

but it's Your " good, perfect and pleasing will"...

oh Lord, i need You more than ever.. don't ever leave me alone now..


what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive
i can't keep up
and i can't back down
i've been losing so much time

irregularly irregular

i suppose i did know, somehow, with needle in hand (and in patient), as i watched him storm off, that i was not the only one with these moments.

hence after reading this.. i knew we could all do with a little bit of help.. especially needed before my sunday call tomorrow...

from angels in the ER by Dr Robert D. Leslie
"but we are all undressed in the ER, all of us. Our strengths and weaknesses are openly and sometimes uncomfortably exposed. This is true for patients and physicians alike. As caregivers, whether nurse or doctor, orderly or secretary, we quickly learn the limits of our willingless and ability to empathise, to sacrifice, and to step outside of ourselves. It is possible to remain aloof, distant and shielded.. but it comes with a price. Ultimately, the ER is a place where the faith of each one of us will be tested. Our beliefs will be tempered and refined, or exposed and discarded as worthless. Here we can learn who we are and on what ground we stand. And sometimes, it is a place where our faith can be found."

i suppose it's also a sign that i have to be there on 1st nov.. see you jannie..

Abide in Me..

are you afraid?

it brought me back to what my C asked that day, " do you fear your own death?"

"no... there's morphine and fentanyl and bicarb and........"

actually.. no.. cos i'm going to a better place. He promised.

timely, for it was pre-call.. and that call was the most frightening ever. each patient scared the day-and-nightlights out of me.. even though there were zero life-threatening incidents.

that night i realised.....there are things that scare me more than death.

but in that second today i was surrounded by lightning (but not struck), i realised that if i were to die now.. i would have.. no regrets =)


testimony that i've done too many calls: borrowed a nurse's pen but can't remember which ward or which night it was..... anw lend it to me for a while more.. ran out of pens!