you look too young for your age

saw that scene many times, doctors with differing opinions all in the interest of the patient, arguing.
except this time, the outcome of the argument is a matter of life and death.
at the back of my mind, always knew i would have to do that one day.
just didn't expect it to be tomorrow.

sigh unintentionally, no proper meal in days.. except last night (thanks ellie, really missed and loved ur company after a year apart) and really really thankful that i finally had the chance to pop back to sc today.. as ms audrey tan was saying, the culture can never be defined, and i still think, in all my innocence, that going through all the awkwardness, confusion and alienation for the rest of my life, is worth it for just 10 years of happiness.

besides, i have the Lord with me = ) (and all my sc friends of course.. thank you thank you) a prayer is all that's needed to rid the epigastric pain and hypoglycaemic fatigue. good prep for passion week! He suffered for us more than we can imagine.. what is a little hunger really.

ok back to research.

it was just an accident

oops. i meant taittinger. and erm, the lyrics is icebox. no really i've never gotten remotely drunk before.. not that dumb. and now i know better than to disobey God.
anw nausea starts soon enough.

alcohol is a serious cns stimulant.. bleh.. can't sleep! but happy to have tried Abof's house white at last.
sauvignon blanc 2004: very light and refreshing, yet flavourful with fruity exotic undertones. went well with the crispy shooting star, as it did with the smooth dark chocolate rum and raisin mousse.. and even the scones. it's only $11.50 a glass!

haha did someone just comment that i lost weight? u'll be shocked when school re-opens.

there is a particular day of the week that i absolutely hate and dread. and was just thinking how much more miserable it'll be spending it all alone tending shop. so really, thank you to the two more-than-friends ie sisters (truly blessings from the Lord above)who came down last minute goodness knows for what.. it meant a whole lot. finally spent this day with great company and food= )

before i forget and lose another customer *grumble*... lilla gems is offering 30% off all rings! and 15% for other jewellery.

tried to hide it.. but alas, she asked, " you look so sad, is there anything you wanted to say?" yes! i screamed on the inside..i never told and can't tell anyone yet can't hide it from you every day for a year.. there's so much i don't know how to put it in words, i don't think you could understand, i don't think i can tell you the truth, it would break your heart. again. but instead, i muttered, "whatever is to be said has been said."

is it midnight already?

it's one of those days..
stupid tattinger. it tasted so good..

but hey... passed the exam! (i think.. unless it's straight supp=P) happy.. but ashamed at the same time.

ok, i'll admit i was hopelessly stressed.. thinking my human efforts were terribly important.. woke up many times to study.. went thru all the stuff 10x.. until it became a big mess in my head (so there IS such a thing as too much studying) cos i knew that i had less time than everyone else..

so during the first exam, i was like someone with phaechromocytoma (catecholamines+++) and basically got 1/3 of the questions completely wrong. not because i didn't noe.. but because i was too nervous to think (the aorta became the colon.. beat that).. after belle pointed out, i realised.. sigh i had to admit, i didn't have faith that the Lord'll help me pass.

so i learnt it the hard way. that'll teach me. after osce, disappointed in myself.. went to macs to study.. and decided, u noe what.. i'll just leave it in His hands. if today's anything to go by, my own "ability" is really pathetic. so what preceded was that amazing feeling of calm jolin spoke of.. went thru all the syllabus just once, and of course the 2nd paper was far far better = )

somehow it reminded me of a picture in snell i saw in year 1.. and i had this sudden urge to cry. but of course i didn't. doctors aren't supposed to cry.

the line keeps repeating itself: i've got these scratch marks where my heart used to be..
a line i've been able to relate to for far too long. still haven't concluded whether it's better to feel.. or to be with this loss of sensation..

interferon

couldn't sleep last night.
guess it started when i thought of what to do the next day.. and then again realised no time to study.. and thought of all that's left: chem path, molecular path, forensic path, clinical path (skipped half the lectures), and haven't finished sys path.. panic attack abt not passing..

hm how abt friday.. oh no i have stuff to do from 2pm to midnight... die lah.

and then i realised.. so what. supps it will be.. good bye electives..
still happy.. i know He will help it all work out.

finally lulled into slumberland with current fave song.

Jesus Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It's been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life
I know I've got to change so from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm onJ
esus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me

neurogenic shock

no time to blog.. yesterday's lab session nearly brought on an AMI. hypercortisolaemia running high...

to top it off, flu again.. after 3 days of pharyngitis, 5 days of GE.. sniff..

but He has been gracious to me = ) all signs point to staying.. hai, if cannot make it this time then supps again lor..

1 more week everyone..