is it midnight already?

it's one of those days..
stupid tattinger. it tasted so good..

but hey... passed the exam! (i think.. unless it's straight supp=P) happy.. but ashamed at the same time.

ok, i'll admit i was hopelessly stressed.. thinking my human efforts were terribly important.. woke up many times to study.. went thru all the stuff 10x.. until it became a big mess in my head (so there IS such a thing as too much studying) cos i knew that i had less time than everyone else..

so during the first exam, i was like someone with phaechromocytoma (catecholamines+++) and basically got 1/3 of the questions completely wrong. not because i didn't noe.. but because i was too nervous to think (the aorta became the colon.. beat that).. after belle pointed out, i realised.. sigh i had to admit, i didn't have faith that the Lord'll help me pass.

so i learnt it the hard way. that'll teach me. after osce, disappointed in myself.. went to macs to study.. and decided, u noe what.. i'll just leave it in His hands. if today's anything to go by, my own "ability" is really pathetic. so what preceded was that amazing feeling of calm jolin spoke of.. went thru all the syllabus just once, and of course the 2nd paper was far far better = )

somehow it reminded me of a picture in snell i saw in year 1.. and i had this sudden urge to cry. but of course i didn't. doctors aren't supposed to cry.

the line keeps repeating itself: i've got these scratch marks where my heart used to be..
a line i've been able to relate to for far too long. still haven't concluded whether it's better to feel.. or to be with this loss of sensation..