manipulation and reduction

i know i should be studying, but i don't want to anymore.

heard their laughter from the next room.

and what followed was not hurt, but shock.

the sudden realisation that everything i fought for is all wrong.

i thought this is the path i'm supposed to take, that God wanted me to, how else could a stupid donkey like me pass 3 years of medical school..

but there have been way too many slip ups lately, mostly unforgivable.

maybe that is His way of jolting me to realise that i'm not supposed to be here. maybe He wanted me to experience failure here so that i can appreciate the success He wants for me elsewhere.

i chose to ignore the fact that i failed in year 1, among many other instances and examples.. a complete surgical klutz for one. thought lignocaine was intra-arterial. and please don't ask me to set a plug.

so maybe i have been disillusioned. but perhaps this is the wake up call.. which i must heed before i finally kill someone (unwillingly, and somewhat bimbotically) and it's too late.

once again, i wish i left years ago. instead i convinced myself, let others convince me, and it's all wasted. and worse still.. i've caused so much suffering to others along the way.. that i can't forgive myself.

i think i should finally throw in the towel.

sorry everyone.