manipulation and reduction

i know i should be studying, but i don't want to anymore.

heard their laughter from the next room.

and what followed was not hurt, but shock.

the sudden realisation that everything i fought for is all wrong.

i thought this is the path i'm supposed to take, that God wanted me to, how else could a stupid donkey like me pass 3 years of medical school..

but there have been way too many slip ups lately, mostly unforgivable.

maybe that is His way of jolting me to realise that i'm not supposed to be here. maybe He wanted me to experience failure here so that i can appreciate the success He wants for me elsewhere.

i chose to ignore the fact that i failed in year 1, among many other instances and examples.. a complete surgical klutz for one. thought lignocaine was intra-arterial. and please don't ask me to set a plug.

so maybe i have been disillusioned. but perhaps this is the wake up call.. which i must heed before i finally kill someone (unwillingly, and somewhat bimbotically) and it's too late.

once again, i wish i left years ago. instead i convinced myself, let others convince me, and it's all wasted. and worse still.. i've caused so much suffering to others along the way.. that i can't forgive myself.

i think i should finally throw in the towel.

sorry everyone.

internal fixation

Deuteronomy 8: 2-5

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you."

just something off the RBC letter, after what belle said today.. that God has been taking care of me.. when i asked her why.. she said it's cos prof kumar and dr lim jk are our examiners hahaha.... ok but i'll still study till i have an frontal stress #. but it's true.. on hindsight.. how on earth did i pass anatomy?

some good news.. read the chapter on becoming more patient in the power to change your life.. and it really did work = ).. depending on Him truly brought about a calmer, more cheerful me. not back to normal yet, but getting there..

thinking about what grace said, about how God places people in our lives for a reason.. makes sense.. i'm really trying not to be cold or apathetic.. trying trying..

trying also to run away from the cgh canteen, what with a FOOSH (?haemarthrosis) and the ahem, minor flare-up (haha i was eating bittergourd at that time).
still.. my reply, or rather non-reply with a stormy face and dismissal wave shocked that innocent senior, and admittedly it shocked me too. so decided to remove my wallpaper.. whatever for.. when it just brings back painful memories. for now.

happy new year to all..