cognitive dysfunction

i suppose it didn't occur to me till i saw someone i admired.. giving up on herself. and realised that i could have turned out that way too.. many times.. saved only by God.. without even knowing it.

in any case, i wanted to make some things clear before disappearing into ICU in a few days. i thought all of these were obvious, but seeing the misunderstanding that has occured, it appears not. not trying to be rude.. although those involved will not have access to this. but just trying to prevent further episodes..

i don't know myself very well, discovered while trying to find my SHAPE. but at least i know that firstly, i am a free spirit. nature or nurture? the debate continues. but while i am independent, i am also lonely because i am human. hence the many friends but few commitments. know however, that when i commit, it's with everything. then again.. how many can i juggle?

secondly, it doesn't mean that if i don't contact you i don't care about you. these days i don't get post-call, hence the concealed exhaustion.. and i'm usually attending to the messages like "please note the CXR done today....." after all, we should know by now that who we really care about, is not within our control.

lastly, believe in prayer.. and in Him. then, hopefully, we will always be connected in eternity.

i admit that i am not the best friend to have.. and i can be better. but i also need to be a sister/ daughter/ dr/ student/ teacher/ driver etc etc.. and it is unfair for me to expect anyone to understand. even those in the same profession don't. but at least if there is any doubt, i have made these clear.

and for those true friends who have said, " it's ok", thank you, from the bottom of my heart. and for those whose expectations were not met, i'm sorry, that's all i can say.

ok, finally, i can walk through the glass doors with peace. (and my access card which i hope i haven't lost)

http://boards.medscape.com/forums?128@806.h1ZuaeZseyH@.29f44508!comment=1


i have never closed the door with..... such.....
" you look a bit apprehensive."
" it's just my frontal lobe, sir."

ideational apraxia

faith is a strange thing.. the more you seek it, the more you can't find it.. and just when you say, ok that's it.. i am just simply going to get up.. go to work.. go home.. study and simply, trust each step of the way.. the true peace sets in surreptiously.. when you didn't even notice it.

been trying to think of what to write.. and it's getting harder to think whilst surrounded by MCQ questions, a 774-page book and other cover-binded objects... soon the patient list will grow again.. but thankfully contentment in the midst of everything takes over..

the only profound statement i can think of is.. that some things, like a macaron.. cannot be broken into halves.. not even a little bit.. because the entire thing will crack apart. but still.. the layers within (the most i've eaten is 4! in pierre hermes..) will stay together.. in a truly strong macaron. but like humpty dumpty.. it can't be put back together again.


oh! happy day.