Master Potter, why do you labor all day,
Giving such effort to rough, worthless pieces of clay?
Why such feeling in your hands?
Why such care in ev'ry touch?
Why all the struggle?
Your creation is nothing but dust.

I'm molding a masterpiece, a work of great beauty.
I'm molding a masterpiece; my labor's not done.
A trophy, a treasure of worth beyond measure
I'm molding a masterpiece, a masterpiece of love.

Loving Jesus, why are the children all here,
Gathered around You and eagerly clinging so near?
Urgent matters clamor loudly, and the children interfere
Why do You hold them, and so tenderly dry ev'ry tear?

I'm molding a masterpiece, a work of great beauty.
I'm molding a masterpiece; my labor's not done.
A trophy, a treasure of worth beyond measure
I'm molding a masterpiece, a masterpiece of love.

Heavenly Father, sometimes I question Your way:
Why do you ask me to mold simple pieces of clay?
Give me eyes to see the future, though it's hidden from my view;
Give me compassion as I'm molding a treasure for You.

I'm molding a masterpiece, a work of great beauty.
I'm molding a masterpiece; my labor's not done.
A trophy, a treasure of worth beyond measure
I'm molding a masterpiece, a masterpiece of love.

--by Ron Hamilton

rehabilitative medicine

warning.. emo post ahead..

i'm writing partially because someone asked = ] and partially because something happened yesterday that i cannot shake off..

also because the annual post is due.. to remind myself of what the new year resolution was..

recap:

2008: love

2009: faith

so i thought the most obvious choice for next year should be hope right?
also because.. in many of the situations in front of me.. it is indeed hopeless in the human sense.. or rather it became even more hopeless despite all that i had put in. but i stand by what Rev Lee said.. it's really up to you.. if you are happy anyway.. nothing really matters.. and yes i do feel it, i'm still contented and at peace despite everything that is going on now.

despite everything, the true hope, the greatest hope and perhaps, the only hope is in God alone.. and that will be my challenge for this year.

it was the first day of new year, the day when nothing was supposed to be broken. but i had not slept in the past 5 days due to self-imposed overnight shifts.. and it was 11pm.. the background fatigue had not faded away.
once again i overestimated my abillities.. and reached up 3m to get the glasses for guests.
too late. it plummeted down without me knowing.. and the shattering of glass pierced my ears.
it's not the first time seeing a broken glass, of course, but i stared at it for the longest time.
partly because it reminded me of the accident 5 years ago.. when i piled too many things on my plate.. flashbacks occured.
partly because i was just too tired to react.
but mostly because i realised.. to my horror that in staring at the shattered glass.. i felt like i was looking into a mirror.. like i was staring at what was on the inside.. which of course, i had been running away from.. and the main reason why it was still shattered is because i had not made the effort to put it back together.. and staying alone did kind of screw me up a little.

perhaps i am only human, after all, and after everything is said and done.. i still need to pick up the pieces first, with God's help.. i had been pretending everything is ok.. so maybe that will really make it ok etcetc.. but without cleaning up the broken glass.. i'm stuck and can't move forward.. so that is what i am going to do.. i need a break.. so perhaps the disappearing begins again.. i don't know.. but whatever it may be.. free time will be spent recuperating for now.

don't worry, i am not affected, for the minute i step into the wards, which is everyday, everything fades away because the patients are just, too, ill for me to think of anything else.

2 corinthians 4:7-16
⁷But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...

¹⁶Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

bradykinesia

it was at the beach that day that i realised this..
if God's love is more vast and deep than all the oceans, can you even imagine that..
whilst looking out at the sea.. i can't even see the end of east coast park.. not to say that of the whole world..

but that's it isn't it.. the oceans never end.. and neither does His love.
now try to even love someone with that kind of love.. which we are called to do.

the situation has changed again.. and with that, once again, i need to disappear for a few months once more.. so long everybody, for now.

i surrender all.

visual agnosia

the other day i saw the orbituary of one of my patients..
it was an odd feeling.. as if i sort of knew this person.. because i saw him everyday, yet i felt as if i did not really know him at all.

it was a statement i had been rattling off many times in the past year.. but when i said it again.. it felt.. unnatural.. as if i wasn't convinced anymore.. as if it wasn't the right thing to do anymore. what next? i guess i am really in His hands now.

life can be a little trying at times.. even without sleep there are 3 windows open now, this, mcq questions and email about work; plus smsing about work still.. but thankfully today i was reminded once again by this song;

Who compares to You?
Who set the stars in their place?
You who calmed the raging seas
That came crashing over me.

Who compares to You?
You who bring the morning light,
The hope of all the earth
Is rest assured in Your great love.
- manificent by hillsong

hemi-neglect

so this is how a prisoner feels the night before his execution...
thankfully.. i have this song no matter what happens tomorrow.. and the reminder of how He felt the night before too.

You called my name, reached out Your hand,
Restored my life, and I was redeemed,
The moment You entered my life,
Amazing grace, Christ gave that day,
My life was changed,
Went from my shoulders, fell the weight of my sin


So it's with everything I am,
I reach out for Your hand,
The hope that changed a second chance I've gained,
On You I throw my life, casting all my fears aside,
How could greater love then this, ever possibly exist

Consume my thoughts, as I rest in You,
I'm now in love, with a Saviour,
Bearing the marks of His love

- second chance by hillsong

How ironic, that we spend 6 years almost frantically learning how to save lives..

But no one ever taught us about the other end..

And now.. suddenly several times a day i have to end lives.. of children, of friends, of their parents..

This is crazy.. I assure you even the most senior of us are not used to the big word known as death..

I really thought as a non-emotional person I’ll be okay.

Were I not a Christian.. life would be so fearful every day.

But thank God really.. as a fairly young Christian I think I’m just understanding what it’s like to pray for something for years.. and when it finally does come true.. you really feel God’s faithfulness and it is just.. so.. beautiful that nothing comes close.

I never thought I’d be saying this ever again, but I am; that my life now feels complete = ]

Phillipians 1: 9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ



I was young but I wasn’t naïve..

cognitive dysfunction

i suppose it didn't occur to me till i saw someone i admired.. giving up on herself. and realised that i could have turned out that way too.. many times.. saved only by God.. without even knowing it.

in any case, i wanted to make some things clear before disappearing into ICU in a few days. i thought all of these were obvious, but seeing the misunderstanding that has occured, it appears not. not trying to be rude.. although those involved will not have access to this. but just trying to prevent further episodes..

i don't know myself very well, discovered while trying to find my SHAPE. but at least i know that firstly, i am a free spirit. nature or nurture? the debate continues. but while i am independent, i am also lonely because i am human. hence the many friends but few commitments. know however, that when i commit, it's with everything. then again.. how many can i juggle?

secondly, it doesn't mean that if i don't contact you i don't care about you. these days i don't get post-call, hence the concealed exhaustion.. and i'm usually attending to the messages like "please note the CXR done today....." after all, we should know by now that who we really care about, is not within our control.

lastly, believe in prayer.. and in Him. then, hopefully, we will always be connected in eternity.

i admit that i am not the best friend to have.. and i can be better. but i also need to be a sister/ daughter/ dr/ student/ teacher/ driver etc etc.. and it is unfair for me to expect anyone to understand. even those in the same profession don't. but at least if there is any doubt, i have made these clear.

and for those true friends who have said, " it's ok", thank you, from the bottom of my heart. and for those whose expectations were not met, i'm sorry, that's all i can say.

ok, finally, i can walk through the glass doors with peace. (and my access card which i hope i haven't lost)

http://boards.medscape.com/forums?128@806.h1ZuaeZseyH@.29f44508!comment=1


i have never closed the door with..... such.....
" you look a bit apprehensive."
" it's just my frontal lobe, sir."