small step.. but very long post

been wanting to do this.. and guess today's sermon sparked it off.
going to be as honest as possible.. in order to relate to those reading this, so please forgive me Lord.

ok. left a big gaping hole as to how i became a Christian. sorry frens if u felt betrayed.. cos it was something deeply important and personal to me.

but church frens who were born into Christian families point out that my experience is vastly different fr theirs, and is something they'll never have. so therefore going to explain it, in the hope that maybe, somehow, it would have an effect = )

most of my close frens in medicine are Christians.. and went to Medicine Christian Fellowship events, mf's service in penang, had long talks etc.. so why wasn't i convinced then?

haha.. everyone thinks i'm a politically correct yes-man.. could not be more wrong.. i'm in fact more stubborn than a block of wood.

didn't recognise it then.. but the more pressure i felt with them around, the greater the sub-conscious barrier when it comes to experiencing and knowing the religion.. there were many thoughts that went thru my mind to denounce it, make it completely unreal.

things like..
"oh they hear and sing about God is great every week of course they'll be brainwashed into thinking that."
"yea right, when things do turn out right, how do they know it's not their own effort or maybe fate.. why do they say it's His grace?"
"why should anyone give their lives up to someone else that may not even exist? this is my life, i decide how to live it. i live for myself, my goals and my family. that's all."
" i don't need anyone. if i'm weak, frens and family will be my strength. in the end, i always made it thru without Him anyway."

but i suppose the model that grace introduced proved true, on retrospect. it's about the head of the train with the engine being believing the fact of religion, the fuel of the train being faith in the religion, and the passenger car, feeling. had several encounters, plus prophesies from the Bible which made me forced to believe in it factually, but the other two (faith and feeling) were lacking.

guess after numerous clinical postings and acknowledging there is a god, didn't do anything cos i just figured it should come naturally.

one fine day a lovely fren named belle invited me to her church dinner.. the 2nd time that i came into contact with Calvary Baptist. didn't feel anything as usual. but was objectively stirred by what a guy with NPC shared in his testi, that he used to only believe in himself. now, do i believe in myself? nope. not at all. i did believe in Him factually, but never did anything about it. of course, being practical, thought about how much more busy i'll be in future, and decided to try exploring after paeds.

went alone.. cos i've always felt religion is abt a personal relationship with Him. that was 6 weeks ago. to the uninitiated, been falling ill very often.. worst was that bacterial tonsillitis. ok so decided on Newton Life Church (www.newtonlifechurch.org) cos it was where i attended kindergarten and learnt songs like "Jesus loves me yes i know" etc. initially, didn't feel much, everything was foreign and still had those doubts.

i suppose it was His will that it struck. been suffering fr vertigo (BPV) post-URTI. but this time, it was so bad,barely able to move head (during ophthalmology.. which i was interested in but couldn't examine properly), couldn't eat cos nauseous, definitely couldn't dance or drive.. and it dragged on for 10 days despite stemetil, dramamine and all..

being sick is quite alright actually. physically. u get used to the pain. but, each time it happens, CNS depression sets in for me.. and it gets really bad sometimes.. nightmares, tears, all the pent-up emotions for the past few months return and u're just too weak to fight it. was angry, depressed, bitter and just.. desperate. msged bestie 4 times (haha sorry my dear.. didn't noe u were busy) to no avail. that's it. i was all alone. my family was wonderfully understanding, frens were helping me w schoolwork.. every possible source of support was there.. and i tried my best for many months but yet, it all came back to the dark ages. at that point, i realised how weak and helpless i was, how much i truly needed Him, how much His love really means. left with nothing else, i finally prayed. and asked Him for help.. that if i am to believe in Jesus, please guide me thru. that night, just read the Word, and it amazingly calmed me down. very first page i chanced upon.. was how Jesus healed a sick woman (part 4 of our He did what? series in the youth ministry haha)

subsequently, dunno why or how, but read a lil of the Bible everyday, and it was somehow pertinent to what i was troubled/ thinking about. the next time i went for service, actually teared at the song about laying your burden at the Cross.. even though didn't do so at the same song in Calvary. so began praying everyday and somehow He did show His grace.. as if He really wanted me to fully believe.. with the idea of support group to help God's people and learning to love one and its amazingly smooth passage. ENT posting was initially very difficult.. which saw me rely on Him more and more.. and patho was no better. in the end, with each church visit and day that passes, i find it harder and harder to explain.. it was as if i had experienced God. somehow u just know and feel that He is in your life, in you, every step of the way.

it's the most wonderful gift.. gift of eternal life, but again that drove me away initially cos i wanted to make sure i wasn't in here cos of fear of death, in fact i couldn't care less what happens after life. But He offers a beautiful life on earth too.. and a selfless love that will never leave you. enjoying quiet time everyday, youth ministry, weekly service and small grp. most of all.. frens! =)

life has certainly changed.. as the book says, a fresh start.
was just thinking abt this as i was going to this particular place. there are 2 stairwells that lead to it, one lit and the other dim. usually take the lit path (duh).. but somehow wanted to change things and take the dim one instead.. was no longer afraid, and found my way. made me think about how Jesus lights the path for us when He is within us, so we no longer need an artificial lamp.. or simply, Psalm 119:105 : Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path.

ok.. very long story. but it's the end (cos there are write-ups and proposal to do)

like you, i read things like these and other books that preach about the Gospel, and thought it was all a crappy illusion. it took years and many setbacks to realise i was wrong. just wanted to testify, that true belief in Christianity can never happen, until you let Him into your life and experience it for yourself.