daily requirement

2010-02-21T21:58:00.002+08:00

Master Potter, why do you labor all day,
Giving such effort to rough, worthless pieces of clay?
Why such feeling in your hands?
Why such care in ev'ry touch?
Why all the struggle?
Your creation is nothing but dust.

I'm molding a masterpiece, a work of great beauty.
I'm molding a masterpiece; my labor's not done.
A trophy, a treasure of worth beyond measure
I'm molding a masterpiece, a masterpiece of love.

Loving Jesus, why are the children all here,
Gathered around You and eagerly clinging so near?
Urgent matters clamor loudly, and the children interfere
Why do You hold them, and so tenderly dry ev'ry tear?

I'm molding a masterpiece, a work of great beauty.
I'm molding a masterpiece; my labor's not done.
A trophy, a treasure of worth beyond measure
I'm molding a masterpiece, a masterpiece of love.

Heavenly Father, sometimes I question Your way:
Why do you ask me to mold simple pieces of clay?
Give me eyes to see the future, though it's hidden from my view;
Give me compassion as I'm molding a treasure for You.

I'm molding a masterpiece, a work of great beauty.
I'm molding a masterpiece; my labor's not done.
A trophy, a treasure of worth beyond measure
I'm molding a masterpiece, a masterpiece of love.

--by Ron Hamilton

rehabilitative medicine

2010-02-15T18:57:00.000+08:00

warning.. emo post ahead..

i'm writing partially because someone asked = ] and partially because something happened yesterday that i cannot shake off..

also because the annual post is due.. to remind myself of what the new year resolution was..

recap:

2008: love

2009: faith

so i thought the most obvious choice for next year should be hope right?
also because.. in many of the situations in front of me.. it is indeed hopeless in the human sense.. or rather it became even more hopeless despite all that i had put in. but i stand by what Rev Lee said.. it's really up to you.. if you are happy anyway.. nothing really matters.. and yes i do feel it, i'm still contented and at peace despite everything that is going on now.

despite everything, the true hope, the greatest hope and perhaps, the only hope is in God alone.. and that will be my challenge for this year.

it was the first day of new year, the day when nothing was supposed to be broken. but i had not slept in the past 5 days due to self-imposed overnight shifts.. and it was 11pm.. the background fatigue had not faded away.
once again i overestimated my abillities.. and reached up 3m to get the glasses for guests.
too late. it plummeted down without me knowing.. and the shattering of glass pierced my ears.
it's not the first time seeing a broken glass, of course, but i stared at it for the longest time.
partly because it reminded me of the accident 5 years ago.. when i piled too many things on my plate.. flashbacks occured.
partly because i was just too tired to react.
but mostly because i realised.. to my horror that in staring at the shattered glass.. i felt like i was looking into a mirror.. like i was staring at what was on the inside.. which of course, i had been running away from.. and the main reason why it was still shattered is because i had not made the effort to put it back together.. and staying alone did kind of screw me up a little.

perhaps i am only human, after all, and after everything is said and done.. i still need to pick up the pieces first, with God's help.. i had been pretending everything is ok.. so maybe that will really make it ok etcetc.. but without cleaning up the broken glass.. i'm stuck and can't move forward.. so that is what i am going to do.. i need a break.. so perhaps the disappearing begins again.. i don't know.. but whatever it may be.. free time will be spent recuperating for now.

don't worry, i am not affected, for the minute i step into the wards, which is everyday, everything fades away because the patients are just, too, ill for me to think of anything else.

2 corinthians 4:7-16
⁷But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...

¹⁶Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

bradykinesia

2009-10-27T20:48:00.005+08:00

it was at the beach that day that i realised this..
if God's love is more vast and deep than all the oceans, can you even imagine that..
whilst looking out at the sea.. i can't even see the end of east coast park.. not to say that of the whole world..

but that's it isn't it.. the oceans never end.. and neither does His love.
now try to even love someone with that kind of love.. which we are called to do.

the situation has changed again.. and with that, once again, i need to disappear for a few months once more.. so long everybody, for now.

i surrender all.

visual agnosia

2009-08-31T22:00:00.000+08:00

the other day i saw the orbituary of one of my patients..
it was an odd feeling.. as if i sort of knew this person.. because i saw him everyday, yet i felt as if i did not really know him at all.

it was a statement i had been rattling off many times in the past year.. but when i said it again.. it felt.. unnatural.. as if i wasn't convinced anymore.. as if it wasn't the right thing to do anymore. what next? i guess i am really in His hands now.

life can be a little trying at times.. even without sleep there are 3 windows open now, this, mcq questions and email about work; plus smsing about work still.. but thankfully today i was reminded once again by this song;

Who compares to You?
Who set the stars in their place?
You who calmed the raging seas
That came crashing over me.

Who compares to You?
You who bring the morning light,
The hope of all the earth
Is rest assured in Your great love.
- manificent by hillsong

hemi-neglect

2009-08-16T22:56:00.001+08:00

so this is how a prisoner feels the night before his execution...
thankfully.. i have this song no matter what happens tomorrow.. and the reminder of how He felt the night before too.

You called my name, reached out Your hand,
Restored my life, and I was redeemed,
The moment You entered my life,
Amazing grace, Christ gave that day,
My life was changed,
Went from my shoulders, fell the weight of my sin

So it's with everything I am,
I reach out for Your hand,
The hope that changed a second chance I've gained,
On You I throw my life, casting all my fears aside,
How could greater love then this, ever possibly exist

Consume my thoughts, as I rest in You,
I'm now in love, with a Saviour,
Bearing the marks of His love

- second chance by hillsong

2009-07-16T21:28:00.000+08:00

How ironic, that we spend 6 years almost frantically learning how to save lives..

But no one ever taught us about the other end..

And now.. suddenly several times a day i have to end lives.. of children, of friends, of their parents..

This is crazy.. I assure you even the most senior of us are not used to the big word known as death..

I really thought as a non-emotional person I’ll be okay.

Were I not a Christian.. life would be so fearful every day.

But thank God really.. as a fairly young Christian I think I’m just understanding what it’s like to pray for something for years.. and when it finally does come true.. you really feel God’s faithfulness and it is just.. so.. beautiful that nothing comes close.

I never thought I’d be saying this ever again, but I am; that my life now feels complete = ]

Phillipians 1: 9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ

I was young but I wasn’t naïve..

cognitive dysfunction

2009-06-24T21:01:00.004+08:00

i suppose it didn't occur to me till i saw someone i admired.. giving up on herself. and realised that i could have turned out that way too.. many times.. saved only by God.. without even knowing it.

in any case, i wanted to make some things clear before disappearing into ICU in a few days. i thought all of these were obvious, but seeing the misunderstanding that has occured, it appears not. not trying to be rude.. although those involved will not have access to this. but just trying to prevent further episodes..

i don't know myself very well, discovered while trying to find my SHAPE. but at least i know that firstly, i am a free spirit. nature or nurture? the debate continues. but while i am independent, i am also lonely because i am human. hence the many friends but few commitments. know however, that when i commit, it's with everything. then again.. how many can i juggle?

secondly, it doesn't mean that if i don't contact you i don't care about you. these days i don't get post-call, hence the concealed exhaustion.. and i'm usually attending to the messages like "please note the CXR done today....." after all, we should know by now that who we really care about, is not within our control.

lastly, believe in prayer.. and in Him. then, hopefully, we will always be connected in eternity.

i admit that i am not the best friend to have.. and i can be better. but i also need to be a sister/ daughter/ dr/ student/ teacher/ driver etc etc.. and it is unfair for me to expect anyone to understand. even those in the same profession don't. but at least if there is any doubt, i have made these clear.

and for those true friends who have said, " it's ok", thank you, from the bottom of my heart. and for those whose expectations were not met, i'm sorry, that's all i can say.

ok, finally, i can walk through the glass doors with peace. (and my access card which i hope i haven't lost)

http://boards.medscape.com/forums?128@806.h1ZuaeZseyH@.29f44508!comment=1

i have never closed the door with..... such.....
" you look a bit apprehensive."
" it's just my frontal lobe, sir."

ideational apraxia

2009-06-13T21:25:00.002+08:00

faith is a strange thing.. the more you seek it, the more you can't find it.. and just when you say, ok that's it.. i am just simply going to get up.. go to work.. go home.. study and simply, trust each step of the way.. the true peace sets in surreptiously.. when you didn't even notice it.

been trying to think of what to write.. and it's getting harder to think whilst surrounded by MCQ questions, a 774-page book and other cover-binded objects... soon the patient list will grow again.. but thankfully contentment in the midst of everything takes over..

the only profound statement i can think of is.. that some things, like a macaron.. cannot be broken into halves.. not even a little bit.. because the entire thing will crack apart. but still.. the layers within (the most i've eaten is 4! in pierre hermes..) will stay together.. in a truly strong macaron. but like humpty dumpty.. it can't be put back together again.

oh! happy day.

induction of labour

2009-05-09T21:43:00.005+08:00

i've always wondered what it would be.. i knew that my relatively new faith had to be stabilised.. by something.. but never knew it involved tearing it apart and building from scratch.. a summary of what's been going on..

but it feels much better now.. to know that i'm standing on concrete.. not sand.

personal worship.. what does that mean to you..

taken from a book that was key to me functioning in the first year of working life, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers; 'Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading. It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason - a life of knowing Him who calls us to go. Faith is rooted in the knowledge of a Person, and one of the biggest traps we fall into is the belief that if we have faith, God will surely lead us to success in the world.'

i sat in the room stubbornly.. while God was knocking outside patiently.. and in my self-chosen isolation there were months of torment and fatigue.. until finally i gave up and opened the door to surrender completely.. to say i'm ready to accept the worst circumstances.. and fell into His arms.. after that.. i felt so free and happy....

no darkness.. no sick or lame.. no hiding.. You hold me now..

the new phase starts again on thursday.. and i really love this song now..
I'm gonna sing this song
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you're like me
You need hope, coffee, and melody
So sit back down
Let the world keep spinning ‘round
For yesterday's gone and today is waiting on you to show your face

It might not be
The prettiest thing that you'll ever see
But it’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like
A beautiful sunrise
But it's a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day

- new day by robbie seay band

expected delivery date

2009-04-13T23:55:00.001+08:00

still stuck in my head, don't interpret it wrongly, it's our church's Good Friday song:

The summer sun went down on our love long ago
But in my heart I feel the same old afterglow
A love so beautiful in every way
A love so beautiful we let it slip away

We were all too young to understand to ever know
That lovers drift apart and that's the way love goes
A love so beautiful a love so free
A love so beautiful a love for you and me

And when I think of you I fall in love again
A love so beautiful in every way
A love so beautiful we let it slip away

zzz...

scanned

2009-04-10T12:32:00.003+08:00

it suddenly hit me while playing the piano..
why i had to save all those people in the pools/ waterfalls of blood, exsanguinating from bleeding..
it's because they can be saved.
just like this very day, Jesus could have been saved from death, but He chose to stay on the cross.. and bled.
for one very simple reason: He made that decision to go through with it. for us.

and as we realised, the older we become.. the harder it is to commit to a decision.. and actually stick with it.

only when b asked yesterday.. did i realise that i had not considered any other alternative.. but no! i am still young.. and there's so much more i want to do first... much much more..

John 10:10 I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly

KIV augment next r/v

2009-04-08T20:27:00.002+08:00

think i shall finally pen this down.. since i can't sleep despite running around all night..
ha suggest u skip it if u're not akin to 36 hour shifts.
oh and a word of caution, we always talk about the things we do post-call after not being asleep.. i found a new one! i walked into the male toilet today = ]

now it's " i heard you had a bad call.. again.."
i keep thinking.. it's ok! the next one will be better! but it usually gets worse = P
not that i mind, there is learning involved.. mostly re-learning..
but after that call on friday which we're still talking about.. the one that made it to the papers.. the one that cured my long-standing headache and flu in an instant..the one that for the first time i lost count of the resuscitations..

it just startled me.. the very fine line between life and death.. is the BP unrecordable because it's not there or is it just barely there?

and i'm just astounded as to how we saved every single person that night.. how i actually have the ability to do so in my own hands (with the help of others) to pull all of them back to safe ground.. there were times i almost felt as if there were a cape around my neck and i wanted wings to fly to the blood bank. a nurse actually blurted last night, " you're here to the rescue!" is that really how i am viewed?

and the funny thing is, the sense of fulfillment for doing so is something i'm getting used to already.. so post-call after yet another last-minute interview (botched up!), i sat staring into space for hours wondering what i did wrong (there was nothing fortunately) instead of a contented sleep.

meanwhile the rest of work is well.. let's just say i'm the only one who hasn't said they'll quit yet. so u shall pardon the unanswered contact for now.. while i try to lie supine again...

but no! i met several others with the same name who are not so fortunate.. i shall learn to count my blessings.. till the next call.

Psalm 91:4-6
He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, Nor of the arrow that flies by day, Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

growth scan

2009-03-08T21:13:00.003+08:00

let me explain.. i've always wanted to go to taiwan for many years.. but it just never worked out.

but this time even my mum agrees it's God-sent!
my parents won exactly 3 tickets, during the exact period of my leave to exactly where i wanted to go..

and i didn't even pray about it = P

*disappears for even longer*

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

borderline pre-term

2009-03-03T21:28:00.002+08:00

have been thinking about this for a long time..

every time i'm asked to fill up the occupation portion of a form.. i hesitate.
it doesn't seem humble to say d____
so i write "house officer"and thrust it away as quickly as possible.
and people ask, "is it an admin job?" "'erm.. in a way, yes..."

not that i'm ashamed of being one.. when i first started, it didn't seem anything to be proud of.
but i suppose as i find only 2 months left.. i find myself not really wanting to get out of it.

cos i've grown to take pride in it.. especially being the only one in the team/ ward.. and actually i've learnt to enjoy being placed in control, having the most time spent with patients and always being the first one there in emergencies ( yes yes yesterday was the ultimate test.. four!).. really not sure how the new schedule of clinics, supervising others and bearing responsibilities while studying is going to work out.. but there are 5 years, and it's a very long road ahead..

but God is faithful once again.. and this year, the resolution is to have more faith. after all, last year's one did come through, after commiting it to prayer. and of course the tests began almost immediately.. it's hardest to have faith not when things are going well/ bad.. but when there is absolute total silence, when it's you alone in the ward with 3 walls. there is no rim-enhancing inspiration.. it's just up to you to seek Him and in times like these.. human nature begins to doubt. so let's hope the next 2 weeks of being alone again goes well...

in any case.. i actually just wanted to explain my absence. good things come in threes! ( as dr z says) 3 weeks of continuous work, one call every 3 days which is 3 times a week, 3 consecutive weekend calls and basically the disappearing act begins again.. poof!

continue management

2009-01-31T13:14:00.003+08:00

just felt the need to write this.. after 3 friends in 2 days have talked about the same thing/s.. i'm doing it more for them than myself.

i think.. we're all tired. not so much physically, 6 hours of sleep is sometimes enough after going without for 36 hours.

but emotionally.. so just.. forgive us for the mistakes we make which are increasing (myself included), the times when we are absolutely nonchalant, the "sorry i can't talk cos i'm on call" line, the absence from everywhere else other than __H.. and understand that when we are actually free despite 3 calls in a week, we often stare into space, sleep and wonder where we are going.

on a personal note, my lowest point was the november/ december portion.. yes i was tempted to walk off the path of current work, foolishly, because i couldn't take it anymore.. i guess i should be thankful that at least my friends are still on it.

but that incident happened and everything seemed out of reach.. so it was somewhere along the north-south highway that, thank God... i realised that disobedience was the hardest way out.. and went back on the straight and narrow.. so He rescued me again.

i'm really very lucky.. because He gave me that vision last week (although there were some hiccups initially).. just as i was jogging today.. and transfixed on a very far away mirror.. running towards that made me much less tired. and indeed with those new inspirations of the very distant future.. i'm very blessed to be able to go on every day with some energy intact.. dare i even say that i'm learning to care for patients a little more each day.. and i can only wish that for everyone else. because yes, i do feel saddened when my friends say they want to give up.. i almost did.. and it would have been a waste.. plus, i simply don't want to lose them...

in the meantime.. indeed when i was still.. and left it to Him.. things turned out wonderful beyond my imagination = )

the end. will be the beginning.

when the oceans rise and thunders roar
i will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
i will be still, know You are God

not very stable

2008-12-08T00:55:00.004+08:00

think i'm still in shock... at whatever happened in the past few hours.

the worse part is i'm shocked at myself.

and i fear.. i betray myself the most.

so before i forget.. this is not an easy decision.. but i think.. if tonight is anything to go by.. i just need a break.

a long break from the outside world.

just give me some time. to get everything right. before i too, break apart. it is, more so, to protect everyone else from that. sorry to the person who witnessed it just now.

i just need.. some time alone with God. swallowing several bitter pills at one go is not an easy act. among them will be omeprazole 40mg bd.

for those who know me well and are shaking your heads.. thinking.. typical... yes you're quite right.

for those who don't.. well someday you will.

so forgive me, disappearing act starts again.. for one simple reason.. my mum once said, " don't forget, you have to do everything within your means to make sure you're not distracted at work.. because you have lives in your hands, every day."

will this become a photolog? maybe.

don't worry.. life will still be the same, i'll still be doing calls ( heard some sighs of relief there) and you can still look for me if you need me. but otherwise.. it'll be, as she would say, extended quiet time.

very quiet, i hope.

good bye world..

You are stronger
You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me..

abnormal gait

2008-11-24T21:11:00.001+08:00

Somehow I wanted to remain largely silent throughout this episode to teach myself to complain less..

And partially because I lost my voice somewhere along the way..

But in the end I ended up learning so much more.

It all started when somewhere during a HO2 call dashing through the famous corridor when I suddenly thought, what would happen if I can’t walk anymore?

BIG mistake.

Everyone laughed, at how, when and where I finally found my face on floor.

But I suppose one must be brought to the lowest point.. before we realize what really really really matters in this life.. the essentials..

There were some moments when I really felt as if I had only God.. only One to rely on. Especially at 4am in the morning with twenty admissions.. and just a lot of pain.

But really thank you to everyone who helped.. I shan’t hold back here for they deserve the credit.. especially to qianyi, meifen, calvin, kenny, janine, ruth, dennis, asri, the duke students and to all those who were concerned. I think I had to finally face reality.. there were only certain people who truly cared.. who truly sincerely helped, out of nothing.. when they obviously had nothing to gain from me.. someone who was essentially useless at that point. And of course I had begun to take my friends in hospital for granted.. but as she said, God provided a way out.

And I too, learnt, that smiles do not equate to compassion. Sad, but true.

Not because of my injury.. but I’ve learnt that it’s ok not to meet others’ expectations sometimes. And to the friend who really scolded me.. haha, thank you = )

Think I’ve learnt to treasure life a lot more.. not really those of others = P but more of my own.. and I’ve learnt that every step I take is precious.. perhaps I had to fall because I was walking in the wrong direction.. in the sense that I had to choose to be happy with one good leg. but you can be sure.. that I will be running soon. Just don’t call me fat for now.

I guess as much as I hate to admit it.. I had forgotten how to walk alone.. and had to learn that all over again.. but after dragging out all my independence, I do feel a lot better after all..

This is the year that my faith is really tested.. not in the sense of do u believe in Me.. but do u believe that God can do the things you think you can’t.. do u believe He overcomes the circumstances that seem daunting? True faith is not by sight or by hearing.. and I’m still learning..

But in spite of everything that has happened.. although I literally stayed past 10pm every night for weeks (with qianyi of course).. I have to admit.. that ironically, although most people say the opposite.. this year.. is really one of the best years of my life.. God has just been so good and I really felt it..

And I can’t quite remember the time that I last felt so… happy = )

No more painkillers (unless there’s backache).. just some anti-tussives.

You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

“Arise..” was what You said.

dx: confusion--- resolving

2008-10-29T20:42:00.003+08:00

"speak to more people"

ok.

" i believe in working as a team."

at last.

" do it for the people, but not just for the people."

" what do you want out of this? do you just want to rise fast? or be firm before going on?"

" ultimately, you need motivation.. what gets you through reviews at midnight.. for the rest of your life."

i think so.....

except i made the same mistake of trying to run the show by myself .

only when i let go.. do i find, quite clumsily, that He does a way better job than me.

let go... only then can you stand on your own two feet. and they are your own. feel them.

unless of course, you made the same mistake of going running before a call.

what's worse than a sunday call.. it's 2 consecutive sunday calls. oh my goodness not-so-gracious me.

but it's Your " good, perfect and pleasing will"...

oh Lord, i need You more than ever.. don't ever leave me alone now..

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive
i can't keep up
and i can't back down
i've been losing so much time

irregularly irregular

2008-10-25T17:15:00.002+08:00

i suppose i did know, somehow, with needle in hand (and in patient), as i watched him storm off, that i was not the only one with these moments.

hence after reading this.. i knew we could all do with a little bit of help.. especially needed before my sunday call tomorrow...

from angels in the ER by Dr Robert D. Leslie
"but we are all undressed in the ER, all of us. Our strengths and weaknesses are openly and sometimes uncomfortably exposed. This is true for patients and physicians alike. As caregivers, whether nurse or doctor, orderly or secretary, we quickly learn the limits of our willingless and ability to empathise, to sacrifice, and to step outside of ourselves. It is possible to remain aloof, distant and shielded.. but it comes with a price. Ultimately, the ER is a place where the faith of each one of us will be tested. Our beliefs will be tempered and refined, or exposed and discarded as worthless. Here we can learn who we are and on what ground we stand. And sometimes, it is a place where our faith can be found."

i suppose it's also a sign that i have to be there on 1st nov.. see you jannie..

Abide in Me..

are you afraid?

2008-10-02T21:34:00.002+08:00

it brought me back to what my C asked that day, " do you fear your own death?"

"no... there's morphine and fentanyl and bicarb and........"

actually.. no.. cos i'm going to a better place. He promised.

timely, for it was pre-call.. and that call was the most frightening ever. each patient scared the day-and-nightlights out of me.. even though there were zero life-threatening incidents.

that night i realised.....there are things that scare me more than death.

but in that second today i was surrounded by lightning (but not struck), i realised that if i were to die now.. i would have.. no regrets =)

testimony that i've done too many calls: borrowed a nurse's pen but can't remember which ward or which night it was..... anw lend it to me for a while more.. ran out of pens!

changes

2008-09-20T20:26:00.002+08:00

not sure why i'm typing this..

perhaps it's the realisation that my job actually affects the people around me..... and really i feel guilt when the fallen faces appear.

nope there shall be no more melancholy in here.

just the apology, if the hours do disappoint or upset you..

just the sorry, that it occurs and i can't do anything about it.

just the thank you, for trying to set plugs, buying meals for me or just simply, understanding.

i really wonder... what does He want me to do?

meanwhile... it's easier to smile on the job = ) than to =(

Hab 2:3 The vision is for an appointed time. Though it tarry, wait earnestly for it, for it will come to pass.

list of investigations

2008-08-30T21:04:00.003+08:00

usually a rather private person but........

i lost my wallet today!!!

and of course working last night made me sooo sleepy i have no idea where it could be..

just withdrew money for the weddings so... tell me if you see it =(((

till we meet again dear checkered friend.

just keep swimmin'........

kiv H soon

2008-08-19T17:06:00.000+08:00

When sg and I heard sermons on the same passage on the same day in different ends of the world.. I just knew I had to blog about it… because through this, I finally found the breakthrough I’ve been waiting for = )

Of course it’s not intentional.. but.. How could I have not gone to church for so long? Gosh.. it’s un-thinkable.

But thank God, for His grace.. I’ll learn to live up to the name You gave.. for everything You gave..

2Cor4:7-10 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

Think I first heard about jars of clay, uncannily, about 10years ago through jas, but didn’t understand it at all..

There are days I really feel like a disintegrated vessel, the more people expect me to be some kind of heroine the greater I feel the vulnerability, especially while running to KR not knowing if the patient is still alive.. but Lord, I know You’ll piece these broken bits together, You’ll be the light that shines through.. without the cracks the light can’t be seen.. You’ll give me the life when I’m exhausted.. stop me from condemning myself.. that is not the life You want from me.. stop me from crushing me, or abandoning myself..

She was telling me.. in those shoes I would have asked why, thought it unfair.. but instead her answer came as, “that’s good enough. I’m happy the way things are”
How often have I ever said that? Instead I’m just a human with expectations and hope.. forgetting that with these came disappointment. But God, in the end, does not disappoint. I should really be grateful for everything I already have.. and I’m learning to be..

everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing, let mercy fall on me

2008-07-27T22:23:00.000+08:00

just blessed = )

walk on by

2008-06-14T23:27:00.000+08:00

"you'll have to sign it in december."

i nearly dropped the squid. "what? so soon?"

she nodded.

but.

buts.

if.

ifs.

no ifs ands or buts.

just go.

says the part that distinctly knows this is what God wants.

the other selfish part doesn't want to give up family, friends, and everything else on earth that i have only begun to love again.

but You said, the great commission.

the mission. the only question unanswered, is where?

just be with me when that unilock pen scribbles my name.

150 days to say goodbye and hello.

saving lives isn't always possible; changing lives, however, is.

but life goes on, as it always shall.

don't come after me huizhi, but i just chanced upon this website: http://www.newtonlifeyoungadults.blogspot.com/

lend a hand

2008-06-08T21:06:00.000+08:00

There are only some times that I am so honest, one, to remind myself in future; the other, to encourage others. Haven’t really told anyone all this, simply because been just too stoned..

Guess I wanted to pen some stuff down, before the week starts.. after the whirlwinds that occurred. Never thought I would have to try so hard.. but lives saved are still the best reward, even to the most distinguished prof at 4.30am = ) and I never thought I’d agree with vincent, that I really don’t feel as if I’ve worked at all. And yup, I really really need to be strong and courageous…

Sometimes I do want that white coat, really, especially at 9pm when the warmth of families is all around while I’ve barely been home for dinner, and instead have patients pointing fingers at me and no, wasn’t on call.. but Lord, keep me going on that big life-time call, this calling.. sometimes I can’t fathom why I have to get up pre-6am practically every day for the rest of my life but You know, only You can tell.

The past month or so has taught me much.. most importantly, that contrary to what I thought all this while.. I’m not better off alone. And of course.. chose to ignore the warnings “Your walk with God will never remain stagnant”, “it’s not that easy to love God”.. but despite the struggle, in the end I’m glad that I grew apart from Him for a while.. glad that I thought I lost Him.. because now I feel as if I found Him all over again.. like Someone just saved me once again.. feeling.. restored = ) the ways that He did that, are quite laughable too. well, suppose it is just like any other relationship, there are good and bad days.. there are times apart and times together.. absence makes the heart fonder? Perhaps. Or perhaps I had to learn how to treasure this relationship instead of taking it for granted. But He held on to His promise: He never did for one moment, let go… instead He waited for me to calm down after running through corridors multiple times.. He was there when the seemingly calm pre-call plug sparked off the whole barrage of emotions in the non-emo person that is me.. even if I didn’t seek Him, He was there. So, don’t be discouraged if you lose sight of Him.. you just can’t see God for now.. ups and downs indeed.

The art of losing myself in bringing You praise..Let justice and praise become my embrace..To love You from the inside out…

Hm sex in the city brought about a line of thoughts that were easily left behind thankfully… but most of all.. the last scene.. I just wish it could be the 6 of us again in that NUH canteen, toasting to teh bing.. hey I’m always there…anyone?

but.. i really love things the way they are now..

2008-05-31T21:32:00.000+08:00

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours

Everything i have for Your kingdom's cause

As i walk from earth into eternity..

what it really takes

2008-05-25T18:07:00.000+08:00

“do no harm” You said.
Forgive me, I tried.
But my very presence is a harmful eyesore to all.
As the phrase “would the world be better off without me” resounded in my head, I heard a bawl.
I had unceremoniously slammed a one-year-old to the ground with my lethal knee.
“it’s ok” said his mum.
No it’s not. I’m supposed to cure head injuries. Not cause them.
As the whole café turned to look, I felt a guilt akin to giving bolus KCl.
so i tried to pat his back, then remembered that i was transferring bacterial bronchitis over.
Lord, just help me. Or rather, help the rest of the world.

Forgive me forgive me and please, just forgive me.
Please don’t give up on me, please convince me, please leave me..

What did I do.. what did I not do.. what should I do.. what should I not do..

So, you really wanted to save the world.

For those 2 seconds, I stared at her beautiful face.
For those 2 seconds, I really believed it.
For those 2 seconds, the world felt perfect.
For those 2 seconds, as she started to speak, it felt like a dream come true.
For those 2 seconds, I knew I found the answer I was looking for.
But, I also knew, then, that the answer was the wrong one.
But, 2 seconds, is enough.. is all I ever needed..

live to love, not love to live.. just because you requested and i want to see your smile..

2008-04-30T23:40:00.000+08:00

stable tachycardia

2008-04-24T21:43:00.000+08:00

Still can’t remember the algorithms and doses for the test in 8 hours but I’d better redeem the situation first.

The changes that have occurred in the past week alone are quite amazing.. by His grace of course. Getting life back where it should be.. realizing that this is the first time new year resolutions are actually fulfilled.. and finding it at last, true joy in spite of… but surprisingly, it didn’t come in the form of jumping-for-joy-after-ricola-cranberry but instead.. it’s something the younger me has never felt before.. a strange…peaceful contentment.

Still thinking about what dr L said, my, even a one-hour long lunch with him is a book of philosophy. How does God help you be a better doctor? How much dedication and love does He want you to show for your patients and juniors? How do you balance that with everything else in life? It was also over the chicken rice ball that I found the depth I lost..

Probably disappearing for a year, when mayhem (hm it’s a pun) starts soon so.. keeping off here for a bit.. there are other ways to know me. And still thinking about how to spend that hour.. facebook isn’t part of the equation.. but I’ll keep it to join that group hurhur.

Somehow always found myself trying to take care of others.. but never really did a good job. it left me exhausted and of course, incapable of caring for myself. Who will care for them, I thought. Mf’s book on promises brought this highly useful phrase for the next year:
God alone is our protector and deliverer. We should not be discouraged by weariness or danger. God is fully able to take care of His people.

To those who didn’t make it, sorry, I know it’s not easy.. I’ve been there before. It’s more than just an emotional blow. But you all know it doesn’t mean you’re worser doctors, in fact it makes you better. And keeping you in prayer for the next 6 months..

my happiness is found in less of me and more of You

i have found the answer is

to love You and be loved by You alone

--the answer by shane

notre univers impitoyable

2008-04-18T23:05:00.000+08:00

pas de deux

2008-04-17T18:54:00.000+08:00

as i was saying, i needed a miracle to pass.
half of o&g and ortho missed = half of surgery.
when the long case turned out to be 1) ortho (where i was at the bottom of the batch) 2) uncommon 3) in hokkien, unfortunately, i couldn't voice out either.

so in jet-lagged blurness, somehow got up in time to nus.
and hey, the miracle happened = )

went home rather reluctant to open mednet, afraid to see the C plus minus, that i really should be used to.
but there were none.

still in a bit of shock (probably anaphylactic), it feels funny putting too foreign letters on my name. not sure what to say, but thanks to everyone for their support, ex and current cg mates; and of course prayers.. there's absolutely no way i could have made it on my own..

will God bring you to where He wants you to go? the answer is yes.. if this little goose can pass = )
someone asked yesterday, is there a God? the answer if you believe this, is yes. but your relationship with Him will be different from mine.
does anyone care? even if no human does, He does all the time.

half way through the book, the Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg that the church gave for baptism. excellent excellent excellent if your spiritual life feels stuck, or if like me, you're just starting.. it really helped me change. amazing how Jesus loves with such depth AND breadth.. imagine if He just superflously glosses over each one of us.. that's something i really have to learn.

and ya vincent, i'll finally return your book to shushan = P haha sorry...

pictures later..
au revoir.

I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet but
At your Word Lord, I’ll receive Your
Faith to walk on oceans deep

And I remember how You found me:
In that very same place
All my failings surely would've drowned me
Still You made a way

-Here in my life

Mouth Big Brain Small

2008-03-31T19:24:00.000+08:00

super busy trying to plan the trip.. and oh no no hotels! hope i don't have to sleep along champs elysees...

typed this last saturday, in a febrile-with-bilateral-tonsillar-exudates-and-studying-paeds mood.. which isn't great.. but well.. it's something i have to put up though i hesitate.. to explain for our absence. ok, i'm thinking of absence seizures now.. no more no more..

hee hee.. those pictures were taken a month ago..

see everyone in 3 weeks..

here we go:

When my brother said he wants to get into medicine too, and he’s obviously smart enough, my heart stopped in fear. What did I do to him these 5 years? Promptly warned him that he would never play guitar hero again, or have the energy to swing on my door so I can call him tarzan.. and worst of all, he’ll be like me. Didn’t work, he’s studying harder than ever.

There was something else I wanted to tell him, but didn’t know how to break it to an idealistic 18 year old.

Mf and I spent pretty long lingering around the different canteens, just like old times.. maybe we just wanted to feel like real undergraduates again. Kinda enjoyed going to yih everyday to study, managed to use the laptop on campus for once, wear a t-shirt, and well, actually be somewhat normal.
Used to be one of those who wanted to prove everyone wrong: there is such a thing as a life outside medicine..
But of course I was completely proven wrong, over the years.

She said, “no one understands.” In that all-too-familiar sad tone. Funny, belle said the same thing to me one month ago. Back then, I tried to comfort her. But now, I really had to relent. “ you’re right. They don’t. and they never will.”

Not here to complain.. but I think all of us feel bad.. when we constantly say, “sorry I’m on call..” as if it were some excuse.. but I’d rather not be a friend, than be one who’s never there. Rather not commit to a ministry than arrive 2 hours late trying to lead worship in a post- call grade 3 encephalopathic state (still haven’t forgiven myself for that). So to that junior, u’re right, I am a loner. And I fear the day you too, will realize why.

finally understand why I keep running. finally understand why I can be so distant. finally understand these lines:
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cos I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Felt like an alien all the time, frantically flipping thru books, frowning at the screen trying to figure out the 10 causes of CN7 palsy thinking about CN3/4/6/9 that I have to remember too; while everyone else in yih/ coffee bean/ macs are happily chatting away.. I feel like a freak.

Now that the home-hospital cycle is momentarily stopped, I’m lost. I’ve forgotten how to live in this world. If I go back to normal life, then what will happen 3 weeks from now, when it’s down to one meal a day … if I ever stray from this odd path, somebody please shoo me back..

Think most of us are struggling with why God will call us to do a job that allows us to go to church only once or twice a month..

But I’ll remember what dr L said, do it just for the audience of One.

Guess the worst part is seeing the people around me bear the consequences. How many times have I asked, if not for the fact that I were here, would they have to spend so much on fees? Would they see me more often? Would the business have been better? I tried my best, refused to let anyone give me lifts at 6.30am, refused a car.. reminded them constantly years in advance that they’ll see me only few times a week, but my mum is still aghast about calls. Even though they haven’t started.

Enough is enough. No way will I ever let anyone else suffer with me.

It’s time to go back to hospital life; fortunately or unfortunately, after osces, I realized that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Gosh, I can’t imagine what joy I’d have if I weren’t in Christ.
Oh Lord, help me live the life You chose for me. Some days it’s just not that easy. Could it be any harder..

Yup my blog is pretty melancholic, but really, would u just want to know that happy side of me?

Haha, besides my brother says the =)=)=)=) is irritating him.

When my mum told me I have to travel on my own, I freaked out. And freaked out that I freaked out. This will be my 7th time traveling alone anyway.
not sure what scares me more, the fact that my independence is so strong, or that it’s not real.

Perhaps it’s the pre-long trip blues, I don’t even know why I’m going. Well, the only reason is, this is the last holiday I have.

Kindly check on me in a year’s time.

Loved this song, during that soft rock phase years ago. But love it more now:

This is my life

It's not what it was before

All these feelings I've shared

And these are my dreams

That I'd never lived before

Somebody shake me 'cause I

I must be sleeping

Now that we're here, it's so far away

All the struggle we thought was in vain

And all the mistakes, one life contained

They all finally start to go away

And now that we're here, it's so far away

And I feel like I can face the day

And I can forgive

And I'm not ashamed to be The Person that I am today

These are my words That I've never said before

I think I'm doing okay

And this is the smile

That I've never shown before

Somebody shake me 'cause I

I must be sleeping

Now that we're here, it's so far away

All the struggle we thought was in vain

And all the mistakes, one life contained

They all finally start to go away

And now that we're here, it's so far away

And I feel like I can face the day

I can forgive

And I'm not ashamed to be The Person that I am today

I'm so afraid of waking

Please don't shake me

Afraid of waking

Please don't shake me

-staind so far away

Will you find out who you are.. too late to change? Wish I could be every little thing..
Ok, Brenda is right. what’s up with the soft rock again?

Still love this song:

In the chaos, in confusion

I know You’re Sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness

You give me grace to do Your will

learning to live in the moment, each minute is a gift from God.. forget the past, not worry about the future..

just thankful for every second i have..

anti-climax

2008-03-04T18:32:00.000+08:00

just deleted the previous post.. this wasn't meant to be a place to complain, so it shall not be.

suffice to say, just be nice when you see me in a white coat on 2nd may ok? = )

left this here: but i will try, it's times like these that memories of patients return, i still remember the baby with edward's syndrome, he was the smallest baby i'd ever held, and yet, his warm overlapping tiny fingers touched my cold lifeless ones.. but, he passed away soon after.. for these patients i will stay up till 2.30am remembering small chin, low-set ears, rocker-bottom... i will not quit.

something i heard on the radio today, george burns said: "I would rather be a failure doing something I love than be a success doing something I hate."

http://www.crosswalk.com/560892/

i really love the new nokia n82 ad..

cerebral oedema

2008-02-27T18:47:00.000+08:00

Prof I note that this patient is a 23/c/f with prominent bilateral dennis-morgan folds, periorbital hyperpigmentation and multiple strands of white hair likely secondary to reaching the hospital before 7am daily. In addition, she has trunkal obesity and appears lethargic. On examination of the peripheries, there are prominent pen marks and palmar pallor. I am unable to complete my assessment as the patient has now fallen asleep. My provisional diagnosis is that of 1) upcoming MBBS in 12 days 2) caffeine addiction 3) iPod overuse; although I am aware that these conditions may co-exist. I would like to complete my examination by 1) giving a test dose of 30cents mocha 2) checking for visual acuity loss and 3) palpating for any lower limb tenderness. My recommendations for this patient include 1) long conversations with brothers-in-Christ eg Victor and Thomas as I note her previous (grateful) good response 2) respite care and 3) less blogging.

another 6 months?? please please please let this be the final mbbs.

sacrifices are an inevitable part of life, someone once told me, but.. they still hurt. sometimes it motivates you, to remember all that you've already given up these 5 years, so just a little more.. just a little bit more and it'll be over, it'll all be worth it.

Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

helpless

2008-02-18T20:40:00.000+08:00

thankful for huizhi's sharing yesterday.

i suppose zj put it absolutely perfectly, in our short conversation.

"you either pass now, or you don't, at this late stage. so just enjoy your life la."

just realised, that save for nlc, there was never a day of leisure since july last year. that's how long i've been trying, just to catch up. but i suppose sacrifices hit you when you're walking alone, coughing and sneezing in the hot sun, just to get to the pharmacy for lozenges.

how silly, to worry about something i can't control.

how silly, to believe that 6 months of absenteeism from clinical experience can be made up for by mugging. it needs, well.. another 6 months. ever heard of deconditioning?

how silly, to not plan my trip till now.

how silly, to fall ill right now, at such an important time.

was so so happy to go back to ward 55 on saturday.. everyone was doing their rounds, met up with dr L and dr S and they seemed as delighted as i was.. wonderful seeing all the nurses again.. and that was when it struck me, it didn't matter what the outcome of mbbs was, the important thing is, over the past 5 years, i have learnt how to become a better doctor.

ok, fail then fail lor. what to do. just gonna try my absolute best for another 3 weeks. there have been way too many regrets in my life.

yes Lord, i'm really leaving it in Your hands now..

too little too late

2008-02-11T17:50:00.000+08:00

sigh. how. it really seems like a big joke.

just one month to the biggest exam of my life ie the one that determines employment and well, the rest of my life basically.

it's not a matter of not being prepared. it's about going in being asked about everything but knowing nothing, despite 3 years (or for me 2 and a half) of hard work.

i can almost imagine it.

" this patient has hypo-reflexia.."
"no it's because you didn't elicit it properly."

"there are inflammatory causes such as ABC, neoplastic causes such as DEF.."
"in other words, you don't know what's going on."

"...."

sigh. it's my biggest problem, whenever i want something, it's never a simple matter of " oh i shall work hard to get it" but a whole string of " do i deserve it.. what if i fail.. do others want it more than me..." and before i know it, poof! it's gone. usually into the hands of someone else.

worse still if this is what God wants me to do, and yet i forever feel as if i can't attain it.. i wish i could have more confidence in Him.. more than the belittling i place on myself.

make me choice wine! i don't want to be tasteless water anymore.

and i really shouldn't be blogging anymore either.

2 Corinthians 3:5
Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God.

ok.. at least it was a happy and blessed cny =)

the gift

2008-02-05T21:40:00.000+08:00

left the familiar gates, with a heavy heart, but for a different reason today.

it was time to bid goodbye to a dream that was all of fifteen years old.

somehow the distance widened, as i dragged my feet in the night air.

just like the distance between aptitude and attitude.

alas, i will look nowhere but to You. through this disappointment that pointed nowhere but to myself. i will trust Your guidance.

ok, here's to the last new year i can spend with family.. i will learn to be joyful in that.
operation love and joy has been going pretty well so far.. not by my effort but His grace of course.

many times we have been warned, so i'm extra super careful when speaking to patients' relatives, not to give something. something worse than false accusation, false testimony, false praise.. it's called false hope. hope that makes you dream of the beautiful best wonderful scenario, only to be let down, thrown into the deep suffocating ocean in the end. the past weeks made me realise that there is only one true hope that is to be believed, it lies not in mankind, the hope of salvation is the only thing that stands.

i suppose i was chased out of that room long ago. but of course, i stood in the doorway, not knowing what was left behind. but now, i see a picture of bliss and contentment.. so finally, smiling, i closed the door. now i'll finally walk in the corridor by myself.. to be the strong and independent person everyone expected of me, and that i've come to expect of myself as well. miss independent. working hard for mbbs.

oh well back to the books. (and gym i hope) take care everyone.

learnt a valuable lesson: that love doesn't always lead to hurt. and hurt doesn't always mean love.
"The mountains may disappear and the hills may come to an end, but my love for you will never disappear and my promise of peace will not come to an end."
Isaiah 54:10

Bipolar with Hypomania

2008-01-17T20:08:00.000+08:00

Faced with two options: one, to blog about how sad I felt last night; or the other to celebrate a certain someone. Guess what I chose…

Tada! Heehee I beat you this time, public dedication to a very special friend.

It all started over some medicated oil 11 years ago, and then the SC prefectorial room, scratching our heads over the silly computer that kept breaking down with the slightest lightning strike.. working hard for O levels together (and chalking up huge bills over international calls).

Of course she abandoned me for the land down under.. haha alright kidding la = )
It was timely that she returned when I was at the darkest point in life, and didn’t seek help. She was the one who helped pull me out, not with her capabilities in cognitive behavioral therapy, but with pure friendship.. something I never had for the longest time.
Never thought I’d find someone whom I could tell everything to, but I could to her, always.
And she was always always there.
Anytime I felt that I couldn’t make it past another day, she would make sure that I did.
Which was so valuable in those times, 5 years ago. (old old old!!)

Subsequently I moved on to the happiest times of my life (talk about bipolar) and it was so nice to have her there to share my joy with = )

With all the subsequent ups and downs (the latter being more common), she was always there with genuine concern, and really, sg, I do not have any idea how to thank you for that.

So this is the best way I know how, and also to redeem myself in advance, for I just realized (another example of how I take her for granted) that we are now sisters in eternity.. so babe, you are stuck with me muahaha…

Do take care (ie stay safe) when u’re in Melbourne *sob* and we’ll miss u very much.

Haiz.. kinda funny how u’re going there now a year after me, and I’m going to france now a year before you.. but anyway.. we will travel together some day = )

Thank you so much for the lovely book (as usual you know exactly what to get me), for the interested it’s The Power of Determination - Looking to Jesus by Joyce Meyer.. it made me feel better in an instant. As the cover states: Victory is not the absence of problems; it is the presence of God’s power. If you will obey God and never give in or give up, then nothing - no person on earth, no devil in hell, no inability you have, nothing from your past- will be able to keep you from being successful.

But most of all, thank God for you = ) hey I am a commitment-phobe ok.. so it really takes a lot to say.. thank you for being my best friend all these years.

It was an ache, that was all too familiar.
I thought I had arbitrary inference and passive-aggression, but apparently it’s all true. I lost another friend, someone whom I was looking forward to sisterhood-in-eternity and well, at least in medicine with, but well.. I suppose the Lord had other plans.
Enough of this overgeneralization.
I guess all I really need is some more exposure-reaction-prevention therapy.. and I’ll be ok.

I'm slowly getting closure.I guess it's really over.I'm finally getting better.And now I'm picking up the pieces.I'm spending all of these yearsPutting my heart back together.

Another thing that really makes me happy.. seeing those younger than you grow up, really settle down.. and mature at last. Whew.

mugger-rena

2008-01-05T19:17:00.000+08:00

gah! completely ridiculously behind.. struggling to catch up with 6 months of neglected work, and trying to revise in the midst of other commitments.. is like reaching out for a finish line in infinity.

forgive me, not going to blog for the moment.

a sure sign of insanity: pasting the post-its we got this morning all over the place.. have always been obsessed with post-its.. they are so eternal yet so transient.

nuts alright.

Philippians 3:13 Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 119:71 It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.

2007-12-26T11:14:00.000+08:00

belle asked us to prepare a sharing session on how God has helped us throught the past year.. and i thought, well, guess He mainly helped me by placing certain people and situations in my life, for i admit, that in the past year, i was too caught up to hear His voice. and of course, we didn't have time to share in the end.. but last night, basking in the glow of a faded heart-shaped lamp in the living room, everything came back to me as an unfamiliar feeling creeped over me, the feeling of.. warmth.

as i looked on to the new lamp, the replacement, it didn't seem to sparkle like it did in the store, but i suppose, that's how it is with all things, their beauty just degenerates.

2007 was, simply a year of struggles.
starting off, i was suddenly faced with the biggest challenge of my life, that 4 years of medical school never prepared me for: to be the team leader of the battle between life and death, with some nights not knowing which end i'll be on. the worst part was having to hide all weakness, all sadness, and being strong enough to take charge. and the gift of knowledge worked against my favour, having to decide what to reveal to whom and when, and knowing the repercussions on everyone and making life-changing decisions for myself that were heart-wrenching, yet having no time to deal with the pain. but the strength, truly, never came from me. it came from the Lord, nights of sobbing (under the blanket) with Psalms in hand, prayers that were somewhat never answered it seemed, except for the ones that went "oh Lord, please please help me get through this day. i'm so tired, please give me the strength".

suffice to say, throw in a cafe, jewellery store and it's small wonder i winded up at the bottom of the batch that semester. as patho exam showed, i learnt that really, i shoudl rely on Him instead of my minute capacities.

i'd love to say, "oh but it made me a better person".. sadly it did not, for unlike other leaderships, this was one in which i could not afford to fail. instead, i became a type A++++++++, impatient, sometimes mean, with ?thyrotoxicosis/ phaeo/ Conn's/ anxiety disorder. somewhere along the way, i lost the capacity to love completely, for various reasons; mostly because i didn't allow myself to become emotionally involved throughout this time. it was as if, i became somewhat inhuman.

before i knew it, whisked off to melbourne before things were settled.. but i soon learnt to spend time alone, and come to terms with God's plan for me.. and appreciate His beauty and not just comfrt in sorrow once again, and realising that hey, i am still alive.

when i came back, it was as if someone had hit the reset button, and i was, almost, back to where it started (save for the family business). of course, i was so foolish to expect everything to be the same, but 6 months is a long time, many things had changed.

once again, medical internship brought a whole new whirlwind of activity, and sometimes small prayers said while running in the corridors helped at 5am, but mostly, strength again.. although janine taught me to pray for the little things, like trying to get to cgh on time and not missing bus-stops = P honestly the rest of 5th year was just panicking over each posting.. surgical internship was somewhat similar, but different. again, following Him on a daily basis helped let go of all mishaps that were there the day before..

i suppose i neglected to see the big picture, or was so busy poring down notes, prodding obsessively while offing drains, scrutinising for any sutures left behind, but when i looked up, i found.. that everyone had moved on. it was like one of those nightmares where you fell asleep and woke up to find everyone was ahead of you. they gently called me to join them. in my bitter selfishness, i pouted, "that's unfair! why didn't you wait for me?" was of the opinion, that God had to grant it to me first, the fruit of the Spirit, before i had anything to show of it. eventually, they shocked me by saying, "you want to know why? u're grumpy and unlovely, and we don't love you anymore. so just get out of our lives."

of course, i'd be lying if i said i enjoy living on my own. but suppose God wanted me to learn how to live with Him. and He answered my prayer, just when i thought He didn't.. the almost daily one of, "Lord, i really want to love others again with Your love, i don't know why i can't seem to do it anymore, but teach me please" and so slowly, i learnt how to love again, thinking of ways to make others feel cared for with whatever limited time there was, showing joy at the few opportunities; no it's not perfect, and i'm still not the person i used to be, but at least, there is progress.

last night, i saw how everyone had recovered.. how they were happier than before, so much more mature than before, so much milder than before, so much more fulfilled.. and they did all these on their own. as usual, being the melancholic idiot that i am, still stuck somewhere in the woods.

so the focus of 2008, is 2 words: move on. kept praying that God will help me do so, and He opened many doors for me, but well, i failed to see that i still needed that human step, that resolve to say, i don't care anymore what the world thinks of me, or what happened in the past. it's a new phase, with a scary mbbs and what even senior consultants dub "the worst year of my life" that is HO-ship, but in the midst of the activity, if the aussie and ttsh examples are anything to go by, i want to find her again, i long to hear others say again, " oh i really love your smiles!" "you're so cheerful aren't you?", knowing that this time, the joy cometh not just from me (which i neglected to realise, is also crucial) , but also from Jesus = )

soul mets

2007-12-19T20:42:00.000+08:00

the love shown in doing something for someone in need, will help replace the deficits of love in your life = )

haven't been able to find the time to blog about this:

tomorrow, that's 23rd dec, young adults are celebrating their First Year Anniversary.. with a delicious dinner, songs and games! if u're interested, do pop by Newton Life Church.

the interesting conversation that passed between us..

beautiful sister: what are you doing this hols?

me: hahahahaha. what hols? studying lor.

beautiful sister: er. ya. that was a given. what i meant, was, what're u going to study.

me: everything. that's a given too

both: *sigh*

a very nice prayer.. reminds me of what victor said, that medicine is our main ministry. sadly i haven't had much time to focus on that. going to do so for the next few months, so in a way not at all anxious abt mbbs, cos i need the extra 6 months to catch up with pre-clinical work =P

from my senior's facebook:

Lord, who on earth did'st minister

To those who helpless lay

In pain and weakness, hear me now

As unto Thee I pray

Give to mine eyes the power to see

The hidden source of ill

Give to my hand the healing touch

The throb of pain to still

Grant that mine ears be swift to hear

The cry of those in pain

Give to my tongue the words that bring

Comfort and strength again

Till then my heart with tenderness

My brain with wisdom true

and when in weariness I sink

Strengthen then me anew

So on Thy footsteps may I tread

Strong in Thy strength always

So may I do Thy blessed work

and praise Thee day to day

- The Physician's Prayer

just deleted a paragraph of stuff that really shouldn't be here, well, sigh, just hope that i can sleep tonight.. without another nightmare.

but for the moment, let me ponder on the real meaning of Christmas: this is the first time i've ever heard this song, inspired by Shushan's sms. of course Corrine May sings it very well:

O come, O come, Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, freeThine own from Satan's tyranny

From depths of Hell Thy people save

And give them victory o'er the grave

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer

Our spirits by Thine advent here

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night

And death's dark shadows put to flight.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,

And open wide our heavenly home;

Make safe the way that leads on high,

And close the path to misery.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,

Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,

In ancient times did'st give the Law,

In cloud, and majesty and awe.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

obstruction

2007-12-07T20:53:00.000+08:00

this is just to reassure/ worry the population that i am still alive, you won't be one houseman short.. haha.

just spending time distinguishing between a PUD and a PDU. hence the non-replies on face book.

it felt oddly familiar, stepping into the ttsh washroom.. and suddenly remembering that i was here on the first day of clinicals almost 3 years ago. when i looked into the mirror, so startled that took few steps back. the image scared me. well, partially from the newfound eyebags.. but mostly, from that hunger and determination in those same eyes that were so filled with trepidation some time ago.. the look of pure alertness despite 4hrs of sleep, of wanting to want more, of "i will deal with the problem". the look, of someone who was ready to be a doctor (almost).

but really today's test took the cake.

don't know how i remembered all the anat /mb/ gs during the grilling...

mr k : imagine, you are the surgeon in the ot..

me: *gulp*

mr k: you open up, the tumour has spread to the ureters, bladder and retroperitoneum. what would you do next?

me: er.. resect the colonic portion.

mr k : you can't mobilise.

me: *oh! i know!!!* we could place a permanent colostomy

mr k : but you didn't counsel the patient, and he doesn't want one. so how????

me: *ok, i really don't want to do surgery. but. i. don't. have. a. choice. so li fang, think..*

and in that instance, i really saw myself in the ot, with the patient on table, and almost with diathermy in hand.. and the answer was suddenly obvious.

me: (in a voice not my own) i would resect the portions proximal and distal to the tumour, and do an end-to-end anastomosis, with a temporary ileostomy.

mr k : good.

where did that come from?

was it.. my m3 tutorial, but wait, i didn't read through them..

hm, could i attribute it to God's grace then?

it must be.

as for everything else, can't blog without make it melodramatic haha, so won't go there.

but the time spent in kluang and gunung lambak was so so wonderful and timely. and cheap. break from studying? and fellowship? anytime!

refer psy

2007-11-09T21:12:00.000+08:00

to: whom it may concern

i am a resident at block 8xx in tampines st 8x, wanting to report a very peculiar neighbour.

she can often be seen late at night, talking into the mirror, singing songs such as,
"this is an orange stick..."
" in summary sir, this patient is a middle-aged chinese male with Cushing's syndrome as evidenced by the moon-like facies, plethora, hirsutism, palmar erythema, trunkal obesity, supraclavicular and dorsal scapular fat pads and diffuse purpura, including subcutaneous insulin injection marks. i note that the patient is on a nebuliser, and therefore the likely aetiology is that of chronic lung disease such as asthma or COPD necessitating systemic exogeneous long-term corticosteriods. i looked for, but did not find any acne, proximal myopathy, abdominal striae or dermopathy. i would like to take the blood pressure looking for hypertension, urinalysis for glucose, temperature chart for intercurrent infection, as well as examine the fundi for cataracts, glaucoma and retinopathy. i would also like to examine the abdomen and vertebrae for any tenderness, and examine the joints for any arthropathy which may be the aetiology. yes!! oh wait.. i forgot to talk about respi again.. i know you hate ortho but can you please remember about kyphoscoliosis.."
" the causes of hepatomegaly may be divided into.. hm oh shucks.."

may i suggest a diet and exercise plan as she can often be seen running to nearby hawker centres three times a day, with increasing circumference.

it may also be wise to scare her by whispering "prof xyz" in one ear, while saying "6 more months!" in the other.

thank you for your kind attention.

dear sir/ madam,

unfortunately, we are unable to accede to your request.
every year, from october to march, we receive approximately 230 such complaints over the island. rest assured that these same people are the exact opposite: completely unarousable when may arrives.

thank you for your kind understanding.

feeling much more refreshed, finally met up with a then-friend now sis-in-Christ.. we haven't talked proper for 3 and a half years! laughing over our days of folly in UK and most notably, so comforted by finally confiding a very gripping daily fear.. only to have her say, "you know, i was very worried then, and i prayed for you.." sigh, as usual i didn't know it's God grace.. drowning in un-mentionables instead. but so glad that i can still go to sleep every night, peacefully, happily and contented (except during night calls).

haha super amused by a senior i met, who concluded 2 things:
1. women are like patients. know the changes, or you will be in trouble.
2. women can survive with a career and without a man, or with a man and without a career. but they cannot have both or neither.

guess which one i chose.

so then i proceeded to explain why men should never marry a doctor. more on that some other time.

star-dee.

the one and only

2007-10-24T23:46:00.001+08:00

thing that makes me smile despite all that's going on..

thanks everyone = )

thanks to the One most High.

warning: stay away from this potent bug, passed the URTI to family during the one day i was home, sigh.

Tit 3:3-7

At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.
But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared,
he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit,
whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior,
so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

expressive aphasia+++

2007-10-18T20:08:00.000+08:00

ok, it's been a while.
lots have happened.. as dear janine pointed out, there have been a lot of hard knocks in the midst of a tough posting.

but hey, the greatest thing in life has happened = ) or as people have pointed out, it's my big day! haha since i won'thave the garden variety.
we are one with Christ. yea!

only thing is the giddiness that started since then.. spiritual attack?? i will rely on Him.
ok room is spinning again.. sigh... will post another time.

Surgical Drainage

2007-09-24T21:23:00.000+08:00

a little lost at the moment. guess it's been a while since i last ended at the bottom. i thought i tried my best. so does it mean it's not good enough? hm. well. suppose that's what the next 6 years are for.

guess i'm very blessed to have met wonderful HOs, and all the wonderful urologists.. u'll never meet surgeons who really care so so much, and i don't mind them coming down hard on me for not doing a good job. then again couldn't care less these days even if a patient gives me blowdryer treatment. poker face.

extremely busy.. 15- hour days and now i know why they pay more for weekend calls.. ran around from 8am to 2am last night.. post-call was at 4pm, went to restaurant after.. aiyo.. so so tired. bleh.

anyway, the more important thing i wanted to say.. was about finding out something, in a deja vu pattern, 2 days before paeds test. this time i was prepared for the news, had a plan and budget to help cope etc.. been working it out for years. but when it came, to my surprise, i didn't bat a an eyelid.. just completely unfazed. didn't need to use a cent cos my true joy wasn't the least bit shaken, the true joy from the Lord. at last, think i'm ready = ) and remained more or less unscathed.

in case there's no time, making announcement now....
by the grace of God:

Getting Baptised!
On Saturday 13TH October 10.00am
at Newton Life Church (near newton mrt.. sms me if u're coming!)
Everyone's invited! (bring your family, friends etc etc)
for more info: www.newtonlifechurch.org

developing anxiety disorder man.. from the daily rounds SQ 1 ward at 1patient/2min, run fast.
really admire HOs, ok above as well la who can really stop what they're doing to say a gentle word, smile despite the 20 others in OT and 30 others in clinic, or 40 other plugs. cos i think i really don't have such cardiomegaly.

incidentally, first page seen in daily bread (12/6/07): 1 Corinthians 11:1 - Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ.

trying to rem this too: Isaiah 32:18 - My people will dwell in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places.
ok, zzz soon.

oh P.S the previous post referred to experiences of others not mine! what were u thinking.. ha the only human love i know is Bailey and Love's principles of surgery.

range of motion

2007-09-08T22:16:00.000+08:00

feeling stretched......
trying to make up for ortho, while studying for what is the biggest test of the year pre-mbbs.
expected to find a very serious email from dean's office about it, amused to find this friendly one instead:

The test is not difficult, only a small fraction need a little more time. Some students feel that 3 minutes is too long. We will adjust accordingly should you also feel so on the test day.
The whole test will be over within 1 hour.
After we have collected your answer scripts, the inviligator will go through the answers. If you are not interested, you may choose to leave the room earlier.
Again, nothing to worry. The test is easy as long as you have been studying faithfully. So far very very small number of M5 has failed the test over the years.
GOOD LUCK! And see you on 15th Sept.

guess i realised something, that when people love each other, nothing can stand in the way of being happy together, arguments are transient, but eventually, they find their way back to one another.
not talking about couple love alone, but family, friends, relatives etcetc..
so perhaps, take heart in the present people you hold dear..
and as for those lost relationships, perhaps you never really loved one another. though of course you should.
cos we have been told, to love one another.. and honestly that's one of the hardest things to do, even if you constantly remind yourself that's what God wants.

blissful trio

2007-09-01T11:56:00.000+08:00

presenting.. japanese spaghetti with mentaiko seaweed sauteed in olive oil, australian with avocado and tomatoes, thai with tom yam and pineapples.

yay! my parents are convinced i can look after myself!

one last post before ortho starts.. in TTSH! yay can walk past NLC everyday..

just thought of something yesterday.. after Doreen's class (thank God for such a joyful and dedicated mentor).. hesitated abt whether to write about it, but i think i will = )

there was a certain outing to go to a certain place last week, and my immediate cold answer was, "no."

shocking, i shouldn't really be so.. but somehow, memories of that night flooded back. it was the night i realised, that i was nothing.

in my innocence some time ago, always thought that we were all unique and special.. each was a flower, some a red rose, others white lilies.. but we were all beautiful individuals.

i knew i wasn't smart, or pretty, but at least i was me. special. right? no. there and then, realised that actually, to the world, i was nothing but a blade of grass. just like all the blades of grass in the field. everyone was the same, just blades to be used, trampled upon.. no matter how much you tried to be greener, more perfect, you will always be looked upon to be the same as everyone else, a blade of grass.

so then began the self-worth questioning.. and from then on, i promised myself i would never think of myself as special to anyone anymore. the shock that ensues on finding out that you are not, is too much to bear.

struggled with that for a while.. but suddenly, our dearest heavenly Father found me. and it was only then, that i realised hey, no! i have been created for special reasons, i was created to be loved and love, and yes, i am not only special, but meant to be so.

but at the same time, when God looks at us, He sees everyone as the same, loving all equally, no matter what was on the inside, no matter how much wrongdoing you have done, once you're saved, we are all covered by His blood and look the same on the outside. Like a roti prata warmly protecting what is inside..

Grace flows down and covers me..

Covers my sin, covers my heart.

pruritus capitis

2007-08-31T15:07:00.000+08:00

stumped by most of the past year questions..

3 year old boy has ALL with WCC 100x109, what is he at risk of on starting therapy?
a) hyperphosphatemia
b) hypocal
c) hypokal
d) hypoglycaemia

Important feature of vitamin A deficiency.
a) Cockscrew hair
b) Hypopigmentation
c) Thinning of hairEcchymosis

Toxic megacolon not found in
a) Cholera
b) UC
c) Ischaemic bowel disease
d) C.jejuni
e) Pseudomembranous colitis

Leptospirosis
a) cannot be cultured in artificial medium
b) usually symptomatic and causes jaundice
c) benzylpenicillin used only when there is established renal and hepatic toxicity
d) arthropod-borne disease
e) doxyxycline shown to be of preventive use

The following features are found in typhoid fever EXCEPT :
A. Relative bradycardia
B. Leucopenia
C. Splenomegaly
D. Rose spots in the 2nd week of disease
E. Intestinal haemorrhage in 1st week of disease

shall do it the current cg25 way.. laugh it off.. haha hoho hurhur..

anw, found this good website on pulsus paradoxus:
http://www.jpgmonline.com/article.asp?issn=0022-3859;year=2002;volume=48;issue=1;spage=46;epage=9;aulast=Khasnis

if like me, you forget what your peers presented during paeds elective = P

jolly bean

2007-08-31T12:54:00.000+08:00

in the shop again..
but fully satisfied from a great and healthy lunch.

must be from abof you say, nope they're busy during this time..
oh, one of the many food courts. na, too crowded..
surprise! it's food from home.

this hols saw a dismal budget, coupled with the fact of living alone soon.. decided to fix lunch everyday.
was initially apprehensive, since my repertoire was mainly bread.
however, wow actually enjoy home-cooked food more.
not that it tastes better, obviously not right.. but it's just more wholesome = )

today's lunch was carrefour provencal crepes, roti prata with tomato and sprinkling of cheese, another with honey coated bananas, and get this, multi-grain organic pau (haha it really tastes nice)

best of all.. the prata was ghee-less and just cooked (ie no burnt bits).. the fruits were juicy and fresh! and premium aussie honey.. mm..

among others tried (so i won't forget):
a) cha soba with ponzu/ mentaiko seaweed
b) roti prata (frozen) with anything eg. pork floss and honey, sausage, pineapple or any other fruit
c) fried bee hoon with chye sim and sea petal
d) miso instant noodles
e) oats-coated anything: fish, chicken, bananas or other fruit
f) pizza with just avocado, just pineapple, just tomatoes..
g) toasted baguette with herb-infused olive oil topped with garlic

of course, if all else fails, a fruit salad plus honey dressing and yoghurt!

taking george's advice.. and realising that the quality of ingredients makes a huge difference. eg tierney's sausages, carrefour vegetarian pizzas, beechworth honey (fr oz.. can't find it here oh dear.. but they have great recipes on website) and abof bread hurhur.. no offense but local producers tend to substitute freshness with chemicals for the lack of our ingredients.

we discovered a really nice organic eatery in fortune centre 2nd floor.. can't rem the name.. who would have thought it tastes nicer than normal food? met an old friend there too, who despite the new specs, recognised me after, oh my, 10 years = )

hm.. shall move on to pasta and fish next.. feeling inspired by jes who wakes up early to prep lunch everyday.. haha why not? = )

fitness and calling

2007-08-26T23:46:00.000+08:00

haha anyone who wants to see a collapsed patient/ # etc please follow me..
and oh! our cg found another type of "jinxed" food.. hamburger (han bao bao get it??) especially bad for children's emergency.. sorry victor i was really joking about the mass casualty thing.. didn't think it would really happen = P
no la, i suppose we are to leave it to Him.

remember sg.. how we rushed up the hill to the burning flames and smoke.. only to find the ambulance was there.. lol.

deja vu.
hm.. haha really need to pick up running again.
recalling the time when, on the bus, saw a motorcyclist lying motionless on the road.
got off at the next stop, and ran (it felt like it, really!) towards him.. but the ambulance sped ahead of me..

so today, was looking forward to a leisurely walk when again, lights blaring.. and another ambulance zoomed by with the left signal. so i ran after it.. turned left too but couldn't find it! hm, maybe it's the next road? ok.. run run.. hm where is it?? in the end, after 20 minutes.. resigned myself to the fact that it's a lil too late sigh. and non-emergency ambulance too thank God.

ok ok i'll start gymming tomorrow.

how can anyone actually finish studying for MBBS? trying to plough through 5 years of work/ inactivity.. really grateful that i can still at the end say, He'll make it alright, somehow..

hm.. truly inspired by her optimism and gratefulness in spite of suffering, to actually say thank God for minor injuries.. never mind the lacerations, immobility etc etc. must try to have a more thanksgiving heart = )

anyway another reason i'm blogging is.. has anyone seen my white pocket book Lecture Notes in General Surgery? can't remember who i lent it to, and surg SIP is starting.. (plus it cost 42 dollars.. heartache..)

valuation

2007-08-22T12:30:00.000+08:00

haha forgive me for the lack of a better title.

just trying to study everything once is giving a huge headache.. ortho and o and g seem like foreign antigens inciting an antibody response..bleh.. very very thankful to my ex-cg mates.. who literally pulled me under the door and helped me pass all the end-of-posting tests despite going to school PRN.

but just thinking of how important it is to have female friends in med = ) because as a female doctor:

a) patients hate us cos they think we're incompetent

b) nurses hate us

c) male doctors hate us cos we're worthy competition (hurhur)

d) parents/spouses/children hate us for not putting in enough time/ money/ heart

e) ok la, female doctors are nice to each other = )

so anw, it is times like these.. always take heart! in the fact that our Heavenly Father loves us always, even if we fall short of His glory.. and it is absolutely not dependent on our efforts or how the world perceives us.

when the church in melbourne went through Romans.. found it exceedingly complicated.. aack, shall have to turn to e-Sword for this..

aha, but thinking of what a brother asked, "what is faith?" what does it mean to you? = )

thanks agnes for leading worship that day, and introducing us to this song. construction work going on next door, but i can still study! thanks to the endless worship songs via youtube

We Are The Reason - Avalon (Joy)
As little children
We would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys
We knew we'd find
But we never realized
A baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives
We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live
As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means
On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love
I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him
He is my reason to live

We Are The Reason - Avalon (Joy)
As little children
We would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys
We knew we'd find
But we never realized
A baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means
On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

He is my reason to live

p.s i'm not anorexic as the picture depicts!

as to why, well see the shooting star and hamburger steak (i didn't eat the yolk!) from abof = )

why bother?

2007-08-10T22:04:00.000+08:00

something possessed me to wake up at 6am today..
perhaps it was the let-downs last night.. after all the effort and anticipation.
perhaps it's just the fact that this'll likely be the last posting in kk for a damsel who isn't quite keen on o&g or paeds..
so trudged to tekka market for breakfast before sunrise.
why? well.. i grew up there. grandpa lived in little india, so going to the market was a weekly, sometimes daily affair.
can't explain the bliss of eating that same bowl of fishball noodles after a dozen-year hiatus (ya lah.. old already) and simple teh tarik (hey let me be convinced that it has anti-oxidants..).. will i be going there more often? =)

just like in a spoonful of korean blueberry yoghurt, there was a literal flashback to il dolce freddo..
and in the honey mixed with warm (skim!) milk, remembering the times shivering by the hostel microwave..
and today's hot coffee.. to the times in flinders lane..

oh i really miss melbourne. a lot. haha.. no fret.. i shall return.

but within minutes, all the fatigue and disappointment melted away.. and was soon back to baseline happiness.. skipping behind the pink-clad nurses to an 8.15 lecture.

that's right. baseline happiness.. when was the last time i felt this way? i thought i never would again.. really believed that i would never find the time that i could be truly content again like i was a certain number of years ago.

but somehow, it just creeped upon me. has anything changed? no, in fact circumstances are perhaps worse off now.. eg the biggest exam of my life is but 6 months away.

rather, somehow, ok, by His grace that's for sure.. just learnt.. how to let go of not one thing.. but everything. at last.

for a worrywart like me.. it seemed near impossible.

but now, no matter how distressing a situation was, within 24 hours, it's back to normal.. cos i've learnt, how to leave it at the foot of the cross.. no more struggling for my efforts are nought compared to leaving it all in His hands.. and the assurance, that it will turn out to be good. definitely. if not for now, then for eternity.

i can't believe this is actually coming from me.. but amazingly, just feel as if there are no more burdens. not. a. single. one.

He took my sins so i can be forgiven.. He has a plan that will never forsake or leave you.. and an everlasting love.. why worry? = )

one of the rarest of times.. feeling so light and free.. oh i am so so lucky...

1 Peter 5:7
Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

it's time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry.

eRx

2007-07-28T18:32:00.000+08:00

IV 23G/21G vacutainer 20x/d
PO iced milo/ yuan yang OM
PO Anarex 625mg qds PRN (for LBP)
TOP Mometasone Furoate 0.01% 1application BD
PR latex tds
for daily FBC, PT/PTT, LFT, UEC, GXM.....
notify
food restrict

breaking out in facial eczema.. unresponsive to steroids and loratidine! bleh..

but really learning loads.. such as how to go NBM x 12h. and work for 21/7 in a row, i kid you not.

hm just slept for an hour in the jewellery store.. is anything missing?!

eyes are closing again.

take care everyone = )

moderately lysed

2007-07-20T22:43:00.000+08:00

suppose i love what i do, nvm the stand-all-day-and-night and the lack of rest, much less sleep.

nvm that still have to help out at cafe after 20 attempts at ABGs.

until 2 patients complained against me today.

ok. before it gets to the press or smth, i admit i'm a lousy intern, and how come i'm still in medicine well i dunno. but can't be sued yet thankfully.

until read the daily bread on spiritual decompression aug 26th. much better now.

please help me survive the night call and sunday...

"Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength." - Isaiah 40:31

2007-07-07T17:54:00.000+08:00

The Lord your God is with you..
He will take great delight in you..
he will rejoice over you with singing.
---- Zephaniah 3:17

haha.. reposting again.

it was only after reading this from a card sent by a brother and sister.. that it finally dawned upon me.

ok, i admit i never liked celebrating my birthday. in particular, i was dreading this day of this year, what with 7 being an auspicious number to the Chinese and Biblical reference of perfection.. and everyone harping on this big hoo-ha over nothing.. "you should buy lottery today!" "are you getting married today?" not funny. almost wished i weren't born on it.. and resolved to play it down as any other day.

until it struck me.. a birthday is not just for the cake or presents or celebration for celebration's sake. it's the day that God chose for you to be born, it signifies creation, the start of a grand plan, a perfect plan, that was uniquely created some years ago, just for you and you alone. isn't it wondrous, that He created each and every one of us, for a purpose, that we were born on this very day some time ago, for a special reason? isn't it wondrous, that we were first showered with the Lord's love, on this very day years ago? isn't that the real reason for celebrating a birth-day?

oddly, or perhaps as some of you may have expected, it is only on this first birthday as a Christian, am i truly celebrating = )

2007-07-07T13:08:00.000+08:00

feeling even more guilty now..
saw her jaw drop as i received the biggest bouquet of my life with the biggest frown ever, and an irritated pursing of lips to top it off.

sorry.. there are few things that anger me more to know that someone, anyone, has spent the slightest amount of money/attention on yours truly, for it is a great big waste.
cue forced smiles and seething teeth whenever presents come my way..
double standards, some may say but really i enjoy giving.. hate receiving.

as such, i'm sorry but no birthday has been truly happy, cos really i'd rather u spend it on yourself/ your family/ your friends.. no offense! i really don't know why i'm like that.. material possesions are pretty trivial.. most of what i own are gifts.

next time do donate it to charity/ buy a bag for yourself/ top up your ez link and let me know.. i promise to give u the most sincere of smiles = )

haiz.. just found out my friends have been looking forward to SIP for ages.. how can anyone want to wake up at 4.30am, do endless procedures and reach home at midnight 7 days a week (the worst part as always is not being able to go to church!), plus all the night calls, is truly beyond me. really really hope and pray i won't become grumpy or disillusioned, and that i can keep awake while walking... if i don't reply for the next one month you know why..

and i'm already feeling exhausted..

final round

2007-06-26T23:07:00.000+08:00

suppose it's been many months that i tried to prepare for this new year.

in the first day however, got punched once, twice, thrice and finally four times.

silly girl. always pretending that everything's the same.

it doesn't matter, i will try to ignore the world's standards.

from now on, my new mantra is "MBBS is only 8 months away! wake up!".
from now on, i will focus on what the Lord wants me to do.

the best part of today was preparing dinner solo for my family.. surprise, it's a miracle! discovered some universal truths:
1) bulgogi sauce can cook anything
2) spring onions tastes nice in an omelette
3) place the fishballs before yong tau foo boils to give it more flavour
4) always have bak chang (and a good cake) in the fridge
but did it before, and the response was, "not bad!" = )

ok gotta finish this business proposal done by an amateur..

increase the weight please

2007-06-12T23:25:00.000+08:00

220607

it's the better thing to do...

strangely awake despite an island (sentosa, that is) wide walk, early gym session, plus waitressing for 6 hours haha.. maybe derrick's right, i have hyperthyroidism.

running to catch the last bus the past few days led me to think.. how does the bus driver of the last bus go home? taxi? car? hm, we never quite appreciate those in the background do we..

what have i been doing the past month?? hm hm... latin jam, well borrowed some vcds.

more pictures.. warm chocolate cake (although visuals do not justify it.. really do try it.. jas was all praises yesterday!) and 2 newly revamped (and improved of course) items: spicy pork ribs and honey date pudding.

anw there were only 2 extra things prayed for when i was away.. and the Lord did answer both! and blessed more abundantly than thought possible like in the wedding. one of which was as the picture above shows.. yay our young adult group in NLC has grown from a mere handful to fingers and toes = ) anyone's welcomed, pre or current Christian, at 6pm every alternate sunday starting 24th jun!

ps.. thanks sw for the feedback.. u're right it does show up in columns but i dunno how to change it... haha sorry = )

190607

hm how have my days been...

gym sessions are going great.. gaining tone not really muscle.. no longer scrawny yay!

and exercise is a real appetite suppressant.

spend most days behind the restaurant/ jewellery counter vowing to be more productive when i get home..

only to sit down with 200g of chocolate (occasionally!), read 20 food blogs, write 2 lines of ethics and yup, feeling guilty = P

must adjust to the pace here quick! or i'll be flat out during internship which starts in 3 weeks.

loving our enemies.. ha. oh well. not exactly great in this department.. but strangely, there was someone who called the other day, someone whom, over the years i developed a grumpy and irritated tone when talking to, suppose it was a way to get her off the hook, and a way of expressing displeasure at the things she did. haven't spoken to her in a while, and somehow, all of a sudden, this time something came to mind and said, "remember God's love" and i couldn't bring myself to be mean anymore, just naturally sounded cheerful and just can't be angry anymore.. dunno why..

120607

presenting.. Abof's roti prata (perata) and curry chicken, lemon tart and chocolate brulee cake, and new but nice seafood pilaff rice and finally, lavender scented cod from the degustation menu.

wanted to take a break from waitressing for once, decided to finally start on a new exercise regime. now day 5.

yay! been keeping up so far.. 2 gym sessions. 1 wonderful nike rockstar workout.. whatever that means.. and feeling extremely invigorated. and healthy. quite funny.. wanted to eat nasi lemak but it was spoilt, now the greedy pig has a stomachache (bought 9 hrs ago no wonder) but LDL's still safe. really! the personal trainer asked, "why did you join?" and i said, "health." "no other reason?" "er no." not like i love the way i look, but hey, after aussie, i'm accepting myself the way things are! after all, it's the way God made me (let's not go into details.) and much happier as a result = ) free.

looking forward to latin jam, hip hop, mtv dance (?) and the beautiful view from one george st. cool!

hm.. addicted to Christmas songs haha.. oh well everyday should be Christmas right?

currently listening to:

Do You Hear What I Hear?
Said the night wind to the little lamb, "Do you see what I see? Way up in the sky, little lamb, Do you see what I see? A star, a star, dancing in the night With a tail as big as a kite, With a tail as big as a kite."
Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy, "Do you hear what I hear? Ringing through the sky, shepherd boy, Do you hear what I hear? A song, a song high above the trees With a voice as big as the the sea, With a voice as big as the the sea."
Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king, "Do you know what I know? In your palace warm, mighty king, Do you know what I know? A Child, a Child shivers in the cold-- Let us bring him silver and gold, Let us bring him silver and gold."
Said the king to the people everywhere, "Listen to what I say! Pray for peace, people, everywhere, Listen to what I say! The Child, the Child sleeping in the night He will bring us goodness and light, He will bring us goodness and light."

a need, or a want?

2007-06-07T23:13:00.000+08:00

040607

Home sweet home..
Did nothing all day but try to collate the research.. haha I will unpack tonight promise!
Stole pics from the class blog on Adelaide.. haha we were trying to look like we’re rescuing the guy but I look really dumb.. bleh = P
No withdrawal symptoms strangely, it’s like.. when u’ve had something really wonderful.. just that little bit is enough enjoyment.. u don’t crave for it. Yes you would love to have it again, but if you can’t, well.. no worries! = )

070607

hm well.. a little lost now.

just realised all the research was not needed. and it can't be implemented.

a little crushing, after all the effort (and money) placed into it.

irony isn't it.. when you're busy you wish you had nothing to do, and when that finally is the case.. you feel that you're not needed.. and sometimes, do you wonder, what you're really supposed to be doing in this life?

ordinarily.. would be upset. but now i know.. that God has a purpose in my life.. and i will live continually striving and praying to find it. and working towards what i think it is.

bestie, i feel the same way, if He ever asked the question today, "what did you do with all the abilities and talents I gave you?", my answer would be, "i'm sorry, but i did nothing."

but i should be happy! because the best outcome is coming, we have better opportunities than we thought possible, even if they did not come from my help, i'll make the choice to rejoice! and praise Him for His grace.

and in future, channel my efforts into something more worthwhile..

p.s lotsa melbourne stuff to be found in tanglin marketplace in paragon.. the natural confectionery sweets, sunsweet granola bars, coffee, greek dips and yoghurt, arnotts (not marked up yay!), smith's chips, richfields choc, honey, schweppes and san pelligrino.. for those like me who miss it already = )

2007-05-31T20:10:00.000+08:00

28/05/07
Just came back from adelaide over the weekend.. many thanks to our half-star michelin chef cum ahmad zihan, and bubbly real dietician (haha fancy that after the previous post) charlotte who ensured greens at every meal. other than meeting up with another life-long fren= ), it was such a quaint and charming place, with beautiful hills and countryside towns like Hahndorf and a stunning glenelg beach.. one of the times to marvel in God’s creation. Of course there was wine-tasting.. which was popular with everyone.. sparkling wine! Dessert wine! What is it.. the fiery alcohol or the bittersweetness.. that OJ doesn’t have. Haha ya when the intern wrote metronidazole in OJ, there was a return note saying, “please specify medications properly”

Simple cheap dinner of grilled fish, calamari and scallop but so fresh and nice = ) from the fish and chippery next door..

A little overwhelmed from the Koko black chocs, bought them as an afterthought, to bring home.. but after paying.. the staff told me they had to be eaten within a week! What.. ok so started them reluctantly after numerous tastings at chocolate factories, regular hot chocolates and a disappointing max Brenner (I mean it was nice, but think I’ve grown out of milk chocolate) but oh. My. These were the best chocolates I’ve ever tasted. walnut, coffee liquer (usually hate alcoholic chocs but ah, this one..) today.. and the ganache and cinnamon proudly sitting in the fridge.

What does it mean.. when tastes change. More into smooth jazz than pop rock, the darker the chocolate the better, and hate alcohol mixed with milk, just want it clean.. maybe I’m growing up.. in a superficial way.

310507

The Sophisticated drug charts here amazed me at first.. until I tried to write one for a patient this morning.. which took half an hour! They use real latin here.. no OM/ON but mane/ nocte etc..

Could go on forever about the food here but hey, as far as living in eternity goes.. whatever remains on the palate for 5 seconds isn’t impt.. like I said.. anyone who’s going to Melbourne and fancies a list, let me know~

Met up with my mum’s cousin again. Haha quite funny, sat in the car that I was carsick in when I was 3. Greensborough has everything! Pity it’s in zone 2.

Well..guess it’ll be the last time blogging before leaving.. lotsa stuff to do.. sorry if couldn’t reply all the mails.

Shocked myself at leo’s supermarket the other day.. a friendly elderly staff said “g’day, ya alright?” and my reply was “g’day, I’m fine thanks. How’re ya goin’?” hmmm….

But I really love it here.. you never address anyone as doctor so-and-so, everyone is a friend to you, and interested in asking after you. It’s not often u see a doctor pat the patient on the back and say, “oh, you’ll be alright mate!” for males and “not to worry, we’ll sort it out dear/sweetheart/luv” to females.. positivity swims in the air.. and it’s heartening to see Chinese/ Vietnamese/ Caucasian/ Indian/ Greek/ Ukrainian/ Croatian/ dutch/ Lithuanian etc etc doctors and nurses working together. When I first came, haha was the usual grumpy self.. complaining about basic sciences exam, working hours in s’pore.. but after a while, realized no one was really sympathizing, in fact they didn’t quite like to hear it.. cos they believe in seeing the happier and lighter side of things.. and perhaps I’m beginning to too = ) hopefully can implement this amicable culture back home.. but who knows how long I’ll last. while here, I’m forced to drop all negativity and now, I think.. I’ll be alright! Gd’on ya!

Awesome, all that’s left is pack me bags, finish me timtams and be on me way. Cool. Catch ya later!

Ps. Too much shopping = P
even more food.. there's a food and wine exhibition on sat.. to wind up all the research for abof.
well-fulfilled trip indeed.

hair-raiser

2007-05-28T15:06:00.000+08:00

oh no!:

Thank you for your interest in Hair for Hope 2007. As all 250 online registration slots have been filled, registration is now closed.

the consequence of being away.. = ( now i can't be a baldie anymore.. sorry daffy..

excuse me, are you a foodie?

2007-05-24T13:25:00.000+08:00

18/5/07
Wow.. town is really crazy on a Friday night.. people are drunk everywhere.. alcohol smell reeks in the air. But ok, not as bad as london. Haha so funny.. bumped into timothy, margaret and Thomas.. they were in a Singaporean restaurant! We were saying we’ll see each other again when we get back to church but ended up meeting here. Small world. But it’s nice to see some familiar faces. Settled on a lovely café (where else) along little Collins called coffee and biscotti (C&B). realized what qianling meant.. nothing could replace the rustic feel of sitting in a cobblestoned pavement, live band crooning.. wow the pumpkin and white bean soup with spinach and parmesan was delectable.. the accompanying ciabatta tasted so real, wasn’t hungry but finished it all. The latte tasted strangely like rum though.. think I’m just paranoid. After, tried an emu sausage haha.. quite tough but interesting taste, part pork, part beef. The food near Austin’s really wonderful too.. café burgundy had the marvelous caramel and macadamia cheesecake with a glassy almond topping.. in addition to the 30 other cakes they have. Apparently café scintilla just opposite has the best iced coffee in Melbourne.. gonna try next wk = ) trying to wean off yoghurt.. but it tastes so nice here, raspberry and pomegranate, apricot soy, black cherry, passionfruit and mango.. the list really goes on.

Went to this café called sycamore tree next to the sycamore church.. there was an explanation abt their name, from that bible study passage in the 2nd session fr Luke 19.

Therefore, it is hoped that whoever steps into this café will find peace and salvation in Jesus, like Zacchaeus did that day in the sycamore tree. Aw..

Feeling a bit.. saturated now. Just craving for a big cup of fruit juice. Think I’ll need to run a few marathons when I’m back. Ex cg mates, can I crash your training?= P

Joke of the day no 1: what do you call a medical ward round?
Ans: shifting dullness.

Joke of the day no 2: what is a lady like you doing alone on a Friday night? Someone stood you up?
Ans: no, and I have to go back to my hostel. Bye.

It’s not a big deal, and after so much time alone.. well I’m finally used to it = ) and maybe.. just maybe wouldn’t want it any other way.

21/5/07
Pardon me.. so zonked out from typing a 1500word report in half a day.. aiyo, ward round lasted more than 4 hours with 32 patients.. followed by non-stop lects and tuts till 5 pm.. and my supervisor gave me a day’s notice to complete it! But did so anyway = ) thanks to the loveliest mocha ever tried at café matto in Heidelberg, accompanied by nicely rocketed prosciutto panini.. tired but happy = ) was initially upset about having to give up another night out but overall, love staying in suburbs, service is much friendlier, food is cheap and good!
22/5/07
So much to say, but just too tired.. it’s 1am here now.. up waiting for clothes to dry. Actually quite enjoy this whole staying on my own thing.. want to live in solitude really.. but not sure what my parents would think.. and hm it’ll be a while before I can afford to ha. Well in short, met up with derrick on sun (krispy kreme+ tutto bene + brunetti) and tonight with darius and aunty becky (a wonderful Italian pasta at warrantyne miles away from the terminal stop hurstbridge ie in the far outback). These 2 are like brothers to me, we grew up together and laughing over the old pictures, how we’d compete to see who could fit the most cheezels on the fingers and it’s just so nice to see them so accomplished and settled as we enter adulthood. Just realized come to Melbourne exactly every 10 yrs.. at 3, 13 and now 23. prob 10 yrs before we meet again? Yup. Till then, more cheezels.

Colder still.. there was snow! In the countryside.

24/5/07
22/c/f k/c hyperlipidaemia
Oral intake 23/5/07
Kelogg’s cornflakes and apricot soy
Praline crunch skinny from Austin (espresso w frothed milk, macadamia syrup and whitechoc)
Mini steak pie
Scone with jam and cream
Goulburn valley 5 fruits juice 2500ml
Smoked salmon roll, salmon and avocado roll
Pasta rustica’s salmon bruschetta & eggplant spaghetti
Champagne
Koko black’s hot chocolate with chilli
Water 1000ml

Dietician to r/v re saturated fat intake and caloric excess
Urgent referral to cardio

Physio to ambulate
Tcu 11/7

Met a lot of interesting people along the way.. there was a deaf guy on the train who asked me where the train was terminating in his version of english.. great! I thought.. can finally use my sign lang! unfortunately.. he said, “erm.. that’s American signing. sorry mate I don’t learn that” right…so we had to communicate verbally. But it was amazing how well he did.. (SG rem we wanted to implement the aussie system for the deaf back home??)he spoke almost like a normal person.. don’t misunderstand.. he didn’t have any ill intentions, we spoke mainly abt his wife. anw footie fans soon trotted in and he spoke to them too.. independent. Free. Happy.

Met a 90 year old german lady the other day in clinic.. telling us abt the holocaust. Ah well.

Met a Viking today too.. the real kind with beard and all.. and he was telling me abt the hard work he used to do in netherlands. Wow!

Quite happy that I went to life expedition in the end. Hm it is different.. but the pastor Tim and speakers were mostly doctors.. so I can finally find people to relate to. Doctors treat, God heals = ) another long sermon on Sunday if I can find the time to type it..

Haha so amazing.. finally understand ECGs thanks to a guy who gave us a lecture in jeans and after every other slide, says, “Cool!”

Sweet.

distension

2007-05-14T12:47:00.000+08:00

17/5/07
whirlwind of a day.. consultant says, “please clerk the patient in bed xx and present to me”. Reg says same thing with another bed, and the intern too.. our team’s on take so regular trips to the ED with plenty of expletives, blood and oxygen. haha only had like 5 minutes for lunch before rushing for tut. And still have presentation on scleroderma to prep for tmr’s ward round.. gotta start on report before supervisor goes on leave too. haha. No going out for me tonight. Would love to give details about the food but hm no time.. will compile a list someday so if anyone wants it let me noe..

basically went to dockland's hot chocolate cafe, queen vic market, chinatown and more to come!

argh insomnia.. every night in the medical students’ quarters, 3 dutch, 1 briton and a Singaporean are kept awake by code blue alarms, bats screeching and cars racing. And a heater that won’t stop.

Still raining..

15/5/07

Suppose we’re quite protected as medical students. Whatever we don’t want to do, we don’t really have to. But here they gave me clinical responsibilities.. supposed to do a mini mental state exam on a lady, document in the notes etc.. and now I understand what it’s really like to have delirium/ alzheimer’s and it ain’t pretty at all. Sometimes I wonder what’s worse, to be fully aware of all the horrible things happening to your body; or to be absolutely oblivious to it, no sense of what is going on at all, with no idea what the mothers’ day cards on your table are about, essentially, not living at all.

= ( vertigo and diarrhea day. Suppose it’s a consequence of running to town almost everyday while recovering from URTI.. all my fault la. Ok spent the day in bed before going to stokers, apparently serving the best pancakes in Melbourne. It was such a disappointment though.. suppose it was stupid of me to order asparagus in the winter, the Vienna coffee was cold, diluted and left me with gastritis. And it cost 15 dollars in all! To top it all off the train was delayed for 25 min.. bleh.. had to wait in the cold rain. thank goodness for the fur coat and lovely mint twix.

Oh please stop raining.. don’t have an umbrella leh..

It was a picture from 2 years ago. Only then, did I realize what it’s like. After seeing patients no younger than 70 in our chronic diseases unit who have had better days.. do I realize one of the saddest things in life. It’s not knowing that something is gone. It’s when you know it’s still here, but it can never be the same again. I know.. you will never have those eyes happily filled with innocent love again. I know.. you will never have that secure contented smile again. I know.. you will never be recklessly calculative again. I know.. you will never have that carefree anger as you try to prove yourself to the world now. I know.. everything has changed.. although I don’t know why. Yes maybe I have the Lord to help me through it, but sometimes the sadness felt for those who do not, is a little too much for me to take..

13/5/07

woo hoo.. this com can post pics!
anw, just found out i gained 2kg since coming here.. oh dear me. ok 1kg before back to normal again.
ok, admittedly, didn't believe my frens when they said, melbourne has much better food.. i was like, er, singapore's food very bad meh?
but... since coming here... oh my, for today, the grilled fish was so wonderful.. yesterday, the sticky date pudding and iced chocolate in docklands was absolutely crazy, tang chao on sat night was the nicest cha chan ting i've ever been to.. the almond tea tasted like real almond.. not forgetting the portuguese mexican food, and scones and mango passionfruit cheescake etc etc.. it's only been a week!

haven't got started on pancakes, korean, japanese, french, italian food and greek food either.. many more cafes to explore.. cannot finish = )

well.. anw, wanted to talk abt the sermon i heard yesterday.. hm let's just say it was powerful.. but the greater part of the time, wished i was back in NLC. it finally hit home the meaning of sin.. yes laugh at me but i didn't know that sin was not the result of adam eating the apple, that was a transgression. it was the fact that it came from the tree of knowledge, good and evil. the reason why we are fallen is not directly because of sin, but because sin causes death. like i didn't give money to a beggar on the train (yes, ashamed of that) cos the compassion and love for fellow human in me had died. and we think we know more than others, like "wow u're completely able-bodied to be able to work, and anyway you shouldn't be on the train if u have no money, plus i can't give you my money. it comes from my dad." of course there ain't much we can do about it other than try to change our ways the next time. yes we will forever fall short of holy standards. but then.. we also fall short of the world's standards.. eg i'm too fat/ short/ ugly/ stupid.. and somehow we let that take control of our lives instead, and make us insecure and fearful. in so doing, we are subjecting ourselves to a whip, driven by the master that is society, much like pharoah's whip in those days. but we shouldn't. for Jesus is our real master. we were meant to be so much more than what we think we are. we were meant to strive to be Christlike.. even if we can never be. that is our potential.. and the sooner we let go of our low self-esteem and ask for the strength to fulfil His purpose for our lives, not just for now, but also for eternity.. the better = )

pre-recorded

2007-05-11T12:58:00.001+08:00

In the student lounge now.. but not talking to anyone. While they’re happily playing away at the ping pong table, playing pool.. don’t really know anyone here.. not attached to any group.. don’t belong with the students.. just follow the doctors every day but obviously don’t belong with them either… when they’re making endless phone calls and changes.

It’s times like these when we know who our true Friend and Redeemer is yes? = )

At least doing useful things like writing notes during rounds. Haha quite funny.. caused some confusion when I wrote H(circle around) cm. they were trying to figure out what cm was.. coming? Maybe? Come morning? Confirmed? Apparently u’re supposed to write tomorrow.. ah well. This is what happens when u have 8 patients on your list.

There are 8 patients on the clinic list too. To be shared among 3 doctors (HOs run clinics!), just once a week. Little wonder that they can watch tv, sit in the café… but they’re not dumb.. maybe smarter than some of us cos they can figure out on first principles.. hurhur.. we should really try this system of leisurely learning..instead of killing all the HOs. Haha my GP said that day, “oh! One more year to MBBS. After that.. death..muahaha”

Thankfully they’re so nice.. even offered to listen to me present.. the way they present here’s very different… casual but it depicts the picture of the patient better, eg “mr k complained of feeling tired and weak recently” vs “the patient reports lethargy and myalgia in the past month” and they do it slowly but absolutely thoroughly. For example, on Wednesday, one intern (equivalent of HO) left at noon, the other stayed till 3.30pm, and the reg was a little busier, he had to cut his hair and go to the post office in the afternoon. Imagine their shock when I told them abt our 36 hour shifts.And there are no MOs in our team.. but yet everything gets done nicely and properly.. no hurry. Erm, can I work here? = )

Anw, just did some walking around melb central, collins st, kings st.. when the shops are closed.. if not I’ll be tempted to buy everything! All the clothes and shoes are gorgeously eclectic! went to café Greco the other day at crown, by the yarra river. Char was right.. the passionfruit cheesecake is out of this world.. and today’s latte from the hospital cafeteria is the nicest ever tried.. there is so much to eat, see and do.. one month’s not enough! Yesterday finally went to my favourite fast food in the whole world.. red rooster! = )

Super cold these 2 days.. wrapping up in 4 layers of clothes but still wake up at night shivering.

Really tired for some reason.. fell (literally) asleep while standing reading oxford (little wonder) at the nursing counter.. luckily they didn’t call for code blue medical student ward 7 east. But the code grey (for patient/visitor aggression) is called several times a day.. scary right..

Ok could go on forever.. but ah well. Happy International Nurses’ Day! They are having a sausage sizzler (Barbie.. ie bbq) to celebrate.

Trying to sign up for wireless.. but it costs A$28 so hah forget it.

Alrighty.. going to little italy tonight!

D2

2007-05-08T11:16:00.000+08:00

in the library now.. cos can't get my wireless to work = (but anw, life here has been good.. save for persistent pharyngitis unresponsive to clarithromycin.
started at melbourne uni's austin hospital.. when i asked a friend who studied medicine at unimelb for 4 years where it was.. he said he'd never heard of it before! right.. heidelberg is rather far from the city.. but lovely (deserted) place.. haha and the quarters i'm living in has been ard since 1960. explains the huge spider found in the room on the first day... its legs were like, 10cm long...
but learning loads here. general medicine people really have to noe all specialties.. here in the ward rounds they involve you.. the prof asked for my opinion..right.. and different spectrum also.. scleroderma, zollinger-ellison.. and the usual geri conditions (read chronic)
the team is nice.. sticking to them cos not allowed to attend tutorials (?!) and perform procedures.
ok, off to the city.. still prefer cleaner sydney though.. but i suppose God wants me to be here for a reason even though all reasoning points to me being home.. will figure it out and enjoy in the meantime = )

nice hair

2007-04-07T17:39:00.000+08:00

Abof's Scandinavian Fusion Set Menu
$55.00+++
$10.00+++ Degustation Wine Pairing

Hot Foie Gras served with Salad
*****
Scandinavian Soup
*****
Baked Lobster With Light Or Spicy Sauce
*****
Sorbet
*****
Beef Tenderloin with Chasseur Sauce and Grilled Vegetables
OR
Scandinavian Roast Pork With Vegetable Rice Or Pasta And Homemade Pickles
OR
Cod Fillet With Lavender Scented
Sauce With Garden Vegetables
****
Warm Chocolate Cake with Ice Cream
****
Aböf Coffee or Tea

EXECUTIVE SET LUNCH menu

Soup Of The Day
OR
Mixed Green Salad
*****

Beef Bourguignon Tender Cubes Braised in Herbs and Wine served with Pasta And Vegetables
*****
Oven Rack of Lamb in Mint Sauce served with
Grilled Vegetables and Mashed Potatoes
*****
Pan fried Cornish Game Hen With Rosemary Gravy With Paste And Vegetables
*****
Wine Poached Coral Trout in Leek Basil Sauce served with Vegetables
*****
Mixed Seafood Spaghetti In White Wine Sauce
*****

Chef’s Dessert
*****

Abof Coffee Or Tea

$25.00+++

hm hm.. quite a coincidence.. 4 friends dyed our hair at the same time!

it was a lovely holiday.. some days were spent doing nothing.. hee hee..

but a much-needed break.

jes and julie did ask what happened earlier in the year.. (did i look that bad?!) and well i suppose now i've learnt how to distance myself emotionally from it (ie tackle it like a grown-up) and still dealing with it.. just got scolded as a consequence of it.. still a type A++ with palpitations and no longer type B with malaise but well.. it's ok.. i'm going to change.

especially since it's electives now (read: half-day of sch, half-hearted clerking, half-baked knowledge) and somehow always showing up at meetings hours earlier with nothing to do but wait, the recent lull which became bore has led me to realise.. that a human can never be satisfied with his/her situation.. we're probably never going to wake up one day and say, "wow everything is perfect. my life is absolutely wonderful with no problems or worries"..ok there was a time when i felt that way, but it was transient.

what we can change is our attitude.. somehow lovely happy conversation, laughter flows among friends.. the decision to be happy and contented is really yours and yours alone. i failed to realise something.. that every living day is a gift from God. honestly.. never treasured every moment.. always sulking and feeling guilty for sulking.. sulk even more (vicious cycle) instead of just saying.. good morning. you have people and a Heavenly Father who love you. you have friends and a beautiful life (if u decide to see it that way) and just two choices. one, smile. the other, cry. so decide. the world out there ain't gonna wait for you. there are treasures to uncover, people to meet, opportunities for everything.

wanted to post pictures from a year ago.. but erm, the edema is just too embarrassing. suffice to say yes, skinnier (give me the illusion), uglier, wrinklier (the lady advised me to get anti-ageing products when i was shopping for belle's present) but it's ok.. i'm happier = )

tumultous year indeed.. other than the new Christian life.. nothing good came out of the past 365 days.. not because nothing good happened, but i didn't let anything good come out of it. but well. perhaps it's time for a reboot. circumstances weren't right before.. and perhaps they are still not.. but haha.. i'll change my attitude this time.

mixed emotions.. somehow just so euphoric hearing that other people are happy.. more impt than my own happiness and well just to hear an old friend say "i'm really truly contented for once in my life. never knew what real happiness is until now." wow.. i mean. wow. and nope she isn't in a relationship, doesn't have a glam career, takes public transport.. and she can still say that. tsk tsk to the rest of us.

but well.. yup other friends are facing troubles.. and i would gladly listen and try to help them thru.. but sometimes they can get a little depressing.. in any case heard this song at that moment:

Chiquitita, tell me what’s wrong..

You’re enchained by your own sorrow..

In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow..

How I hate to see you like this..

There is no way you can deny it..

I can see that you’re oh so sad, so quiet...
Chiquitita, tell me the truth..

I’m a shoulder you can cry on..

Your best friend, I’m the one you must rely on..

You were always sure of yourself..

Now I see you’ve broken a feather..

I hope we can patch it up together...
Chiquitita, you and I know..

How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving..

You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end..

You will have no time for grieving..

Chiquitita, you and I cry..

But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you..

Let me hear you sing once more like you did before..

Sing a new song, chiquitita..

Try once more like you did before..

Sing a new song, chiquitita...

2007-04-04T23:41:00.000+08:00

random thoughts of a hyperglycaemic ahead.

should i start cooking again? a lil silly spending all the money when the food at abof's way better than my oregano seabass/ oregano and rosemary chicken/ oregano and tomato salmon (u get the point) and still reeling from the outside charred inside raw barramundi (never cook the local ones they have a weird texture) attempt a few weeks ago.

just realised that melbourne cafes (restaurants are unaffordable!) close at 4pm and i'll have to survive on char siew maggi mee (still rem how nice it tasted 10 yrs ago), bruschetta (tried and tested, phew.), honey and perhaps some eucalyptus if i want to watch the australian ballet. haha.. i'm just so reluctant to go and leave a mess behind that i know others can't clear up.. hence the non-action over visa, packing, tickets, clothes etc. and of course, i will miss NLC = (

ok ok.. after talking to jes the other day.. i shall try to be excited about st kilda's beach, the city centre's chilli chocolate, fish market, and of course vicky if u're reading this and not peering under a microscope, i will come visit you = ) take the great ocean road to adelaide and see the 12 apostles which have new meaning now. that is, if i can find someone to share the 20 hour drive.

sigh feel so bad.. we shared a 5 hr dinner (posting menu and pics soon!) which as usual wasn't enough.. didn't realise we haven't met for a year.. what sort of counsellor am i sigh. yea we did talk about alot of things.. and one of which was our career.. public or private? being asked a year ago, i'd say, of course private! i'll be my own boss, dun have to worry abt admin, do whatever i feel is best for the patient. but.. she brought up a good point.. and i'd think now that public is better.. the nurses are much nicer (surprise) and doctors work in teams, learning to appreciate the mentorship; as a consultant, there's still an emeritus prof to talk to.. you can discuss with the best surgeon, not just rely on personal contacts, there are tumour boards, m&m etc.. it's so much more dynamic and yea, better for the patient actually.. rather than working in a crummy deserted clinic worrying about rental, staff.. ugh.

really.. why do i feel afraid of being alone? or rather travelling alone? yea i guess in future should God will it, i dun mind spending yet another exciting day in hospital interacting with patients, coming home to a bachelorette pad (as long as it's by the sea), turn on lounge music and just spend the night on roasted bell peppers in olive oil. with eggplant. but travelling is a totally different story. this is the 4th time on my own.. but the previous 3.. well let's say they involve a plump girl with a backpack fending off guys who want only one thing it seems.. only to be saved by passers-by. in broad daylight. and i really literally got sick of my own company. ad nauseum. was starting to wonder if there was indeed a plant on my head cos everytime u say table for one; they always give the discontented stare for taking up a whole table with 1/2 or 1/4 the bill. so as a waitress, i'll always smile brightly if anyone enters the restaurant alone.

but it's ok! i will meditate on His word, there are many books i need to return (oops.. sorry vinz and sw) and yea. kumar, talley, oxford.. bleh. shall give me sleepless nites.

a kind brother did wake me up to a very good point.. too concentrated sometimes, on how the Lord can guide me in this lifetime.. that i forget sometimes. the fundamentals.. shall focus on that in the next few days

Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

it is that simple = ) unlike the complicated, dissected, irrational human love.
what i didn't realise too.. was how Jesus was shamed in the process.. in front of the public, leaders, disciples.. when He didn't do anything wrong. He took my shame away.. but most days i still feel ashamed about something..as usual for far too long.. which shouldn't be the case.. i don't want to short-change His power of resurrection.. that night was supposed to be the test but i failed it once again.. sigh.. will not give up! but i know there's Someone who has forgiven me, even if i haven't done so myself. guess Who? = )

you look too young for your age

2007-03-30T23:31:00.000+08:00

saw that scene many times, doctors with differing opinions all in the interest of the patient, arguing.
except this time, the outcome of the argument is a matter of life and death.
at the back of my mind, always knew i would have to do that one day.
just didn't expect it to be tomorrow.

sigh unintentionally, no proper meal in days.. except last night (thanks ellie, really missed and loved ur company after a year apart) and really really thankful that i finally had the chance to pop back to sc today.. as ms audrey tan was saying, the culture can never be defined, and i still think, in all my innocence, that going through all the awkwardness, confusion and alienation for the rest of my life, is worth it for just 10 years of happiness.

besides, i have the Lord with me = ) (and all my sc friends of course.. thank you thank you) a prayer is all that's needed to rid the epigastric pain and hypoglycaemic fatigue. good prep for passion week! He suffered for us more than we can imagine.. what is a little hunger really.

ok back to research.

it was just an accident

2007-03-25T00:41:00.000+08:00

oops. i meant taittinger. and erm, the lyrics is icebox. no really i've never gotten remotely drunk before.. not that dumb. and now i know better than to disobey God.
anw nausea starts soon enough.

alcohol is a serious cns stimulant.. bleh.. can't sleep! but happy to have tried Abof's house white at last.
sauvignon blanc 2004: very light and refreshing, yet flavourful with fruity exotic undertones. went well with the crispy shooting star, as it did with the smooth dark chocolate rum and raisin mousse.. and even the scones. it's only $11.50 a glass!

haha did someone just comment that i lost weight? u'll be shocked when school re-opens.

there is a particular day of the week that i absolutely hate and dread. and was just thinking how much more miserable it'll be spending it all alone tending shop. so really, thank you to the two more-than-friends ie sisters (truly blessings from the Lord above)who came down last minute goodness knows for what.. it meant a whole lot. finally spent this day with great company and food= )

before i forget and lose another customer *grumble*... lilla gems is offering 30% off all rings! and 15% for other jewellery.

tried to hide it.. but alas, she asked, " you look so sad, is there anything you wanted to say?" yes! i screamed on the inside..i never told and can't tell anyone yet can't hide it from you every day for a year.. there's so much i don't know how to put it in words, i don't think you could understand, i don't think i can tell you the truth, it would break your heart. again. but instead, i muttered, "whatever is to be said has been said."

2007-03-24T00:03:00.000+08:00

is it midnight already?

it's one of those days..
stupid tattinger. it tasted so good..

but hey... passed the exam! (i think.. unless it's straight supp=P) happy.. but ashamed at the same time.

ok, i'll admit i was hopelessly stressed.. thinking my human efforts were terribly important.. woke up many times to study.. went thru all the stuff 10x.. until it became a big mess in my head (so there IS such a thing as too much studying) cos i knew that i had less time than everyone else..

so during the first exam, i was like someone with phaechromocytoma (catecholamines+++) and basically got 1/3 of the questions completely wrong. not because i didn't noe.. but because i was too nervous to think (the aorta became the colon.. beat that).. after belle pointed out, i realised.. sigh i had to admit, i didn't have faith that the Lord'll help me pass.

so i learnt it the hard way. that'll teach me. after osce, disappointed in myself.. went to macs to study.. and decided, u noe what.. i'll just leave it in His hands. if today's anything to go by, my own "ability" is really pathetic. so what preceded was that amazing feeling of calm jolin spoke of.. went thru all the syllabus just once, and of course the 2nd paper was far far better = )

somehow it reminded me of a picture in snell i saw in year 1.. and i had this sudden urge to cry. but of course i didn't. doctors aren't supposed to cry.

the line keeps repeating itself: i've got these scratch marks where my heart used to be..
a line i've been able to relate to for far too long. still haven't concluded whether it's better to feel.. or to be with this loss of sensation..

interferon

2007-03-15T16:55:00.000+08:00

couldn't sleep last night.
guess it started when i thought of what to do the next day.. and then again realised no time to study.. and thought of all that's left: chem path, molecular path, forensic path, clinical path (skipped half the lectures), and haven't finished sys path.. panic attack abt not passing..

hm how abt friday.. oh no i have stuff to do from 2pm to midnight... die lah.

and then i realised.. so what. supps it will be.. good bye electives..
still happy.. i know He will help it all work out.

finally lulled into slumberland with current fave song.

Jesus Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It's been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life
I know I've got to change so from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm onJ
esus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me

neurogenic shock

2007-03-10T11:00:00.000+08:00

no time to blog.. yesterday's lab session nearly brought on an AMI. hypercortisolaemia running high...

to top it off, flu again.. after 3 days of pharyngitis, 5 days of GE.. sniff..

but He has been gracious to me = ) all signs point to staying.. hai, if cannot make it this time then supps again lor..

1 more week everyone..

manipulation and reduction

2007-02-21T15:59:00.000+08:00

i know i should be studying, but i don't want to anymore.

heard their laughter from the next room.

and what followed was not hurt, but shock.

the sudden realisation that everything i fought for is all wrong.

i thought this is the path i'm supposed to take, that God wanted me to, how else could a stupid donkey like me pass 3 years of medical school..

but there have been way too many slip ups lately, mostly unforgivable.

maybe that is His way of jolting me to realise that i'm not supposed to be here. maybe He wanted me to experience failure here so that i can appreciate the success He wants for me elsewhere.

i chose to ignore the fact that i failed in year 1, among many other instances and examples.. a complete surgical klutz for one. thought lignocaine was intra-arterial. and please don't ask me to set a plug.

so maybe i have been disillusioned. but perhaps this is the wake up call.. which i must heed before i finally kill someone (unwillingly, and somewhat bimbotically) and it's too late.

once again, i wish i left years ago. instead i convinced myself, let others convince me, and it's all wasted. and worse still.. i've caused so much suffering to others along the way.. that i can't forgive myself.

i think i should finally throw in the towel.

sorry everyone.

internal fixation

2007-02-09T22:39:00.000+08:00

Deuteronomy 8: 2-5

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you."

just something off the RBC letter, after what belle said today.. that God has been taking care of me.. when i asked her why.. she said it's cos prof kumar and dr lim jk are our examiners hahaha.... ok but i'll still study till i have an frontal stress #. but it's true.. on hindsight.. how on earth did i pass anatomy?

some good news.. read the chapter on becoming more patient in the power to change your life.. and it really did work = ).. depending on Him truly brought about a calmer, more cheerful me. not back to normal yet, but getting there..

thinking about what grace said, about how God places people in our lives for a reason.. makes sense.. i'm really trying not to be cold or apathetic.. trying trying..

trying also to run away from the cgh canteen, what with a FOOSH (?haemarthrosis) and the ahem, minor flare-up (haha i was eating bittergourd at that time).
still.. my reply, or rather non-reply with a stormy face and dismissal wave shocked that innocent senior, and admittedly it shocked me too. so decided to remove my wallpaper.. whatever for.. when it just brings back painful memories. for now.

happy new year to all..

hanging in there

2007-01-25T19:50:00.000+08:00

thought of removing the previous post.. but haha that's like cowardice.
over-reacted a little.. but sometimes it does get hard.
still no reason to give up!

after vincent's inspiring sermon, i'll continue trying to be more cheerful.. as testimony to the Lord.. success is nowhere imminent and in fact relapsing now.. but maybe while grouchiness can't be cured, it can be managed. rx: love, care and prayers.

eating way too much chocolate for my own good.. but seriously our chocolate cake and coconut sorbet is really really scrumptious.. mm..

as you can see, haven't lost a gram.

it only occurred to me today, how much i've changed in the past 4 years.
perhaps i did live out what was to be a self-fufilling prophecy.. never being there at all. and therefore never missed.
but all it took was that second, that one single second..

and i understand
you've come to shake my hand
i apologise
if it makes you feel bad
seeing me so tense
no self-confidence
but you see,
the winner takes it all...

the loser has to fall.

malunited closed, displaced fracture

2007-01-19T17:30:00.000+08:00

i officially give up.

if ever i saw that 19 year old me who said she wanted to join medicine to save lives, i'd throttle her, and scream that some people don't want to be saved, some people don't think they need help to be saved, some people can never be saved and these are always the ones who matter most and in the end you find out you have to save yourself but you just don't know how. and you'll find out that after trying to save everyone and not succeeding, you just end up losing everything you once had that you worked your entire life for.

a questions posted by young adult that day, if you weren't a Christian, what would your life now be like? i shudder at the thought.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

salvation

2006-12-28T01:25:00.000+08:00

2.16am

i dunno why i'm here, then again maybe i do.

one of which is cos been spending nights up racked with guilt, wondering what i can possibly do for Him, if i return at 10pm everyday, and even have to skip school to the point that tutors think i'm pregnant (?!!!). it's just the greater omentum.

so i guess this is it. whenever time arises, to blog not about what happened, but how Christ is helping me thru everything.

i'm sorry.. i noe everyone thinks i don't trust them, but it's not so.. hands and legs are tied. i'm sorry too for not being able to meet anyone. but really can't.. and anyway just a wet blanket now. most of all i'm sorry to all who were victims of my odd emotional outbursts = (((

Lord, i dun understand sometimes why all this is happening. i know You want the best for me, but this seems to be bringing out the worst in everyone. as the days pass, i begin to hate myself more and more. and gradually lose my friends.

but i know You are there for me, and without Your help, i would not have made it till now.

of the many verses that were of comfort, guess this is still the best:

Psa 23: 1-4
The Lord is my shepherd;
I have everything I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths, bringing honour to his name.
Even when I walk through the dark valley of death,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me,
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.

and shall try to remember..
Isa 61:3
and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

everything else that has happened, is just too private.

today i realised, the hurt is still there.. Man is just so weak.

Merry Christmas.

there's never a right time to say goodbye

2006-11-26T22:18:00.000+08:00

for 2 weeks, i thought you were happy.

to a certain extent, i had hoped you were angry.

but today, you told me, you are sad.

as soon as your back was turned, the tears flowed.

and i realised.. that's why you didn't wear jewellery for a while. the same reason he didn't eat chocolates anymore. and exactly why i go around sulking from morning till night.

again it hit me. the hallmark of human love. when it hurts you countless times more to know that the one you love, is in pain.

a hallmark, that again, is realised too late.

sorry but this is a part of life i'd rather not remember, even if i inevitably will.

therefore, this blog will be suspended indefinitely.

everyone, please treasure all you have. you may not think you want to, but trust me, you do.

love is..

2006-11-11T22:05:00.000+08:00

again. started falling asleep.. cos couldn't sleep again last night.. but again i can't sleep now. for the same reason. and last night was my only free night. tomorrow's work again, and night call and...

can't tell anyone why. but well, it is the one thing i pray about almost every day, and even though it's not resolved, at least it's better, cos i noe God is the only one who understands and is helping me.

tried running again today. used to love running.. feels like running away from problems.. in a world of my own. but now it's not just me, time spent running is when it's just Jesus and me now and that is so much more comforting..

ya as u might have guess all this happened cos i fell ill and forced to rest again.. must pack my week next week.. so it'll stop..

loving someone and not loving someone.. not sure which is harder to do.

argh. ok this is becoming a depressing blog. alright, was happy when the baby i helped deliver went home and the father thanked me, not that i did much.

hm, wat's the dsm4 criteria for diagnosing compulsive eating disorder? walnut cookies are strangely tasty these days.

that lady's my fren from newton kindergarten. haha.. we were talking about how dogs are better than men, cos they are always there when you need them, and they'll never leave. lovely meeting up with someone who doesn't care abt ur past, present or future.. and has been a real fren for 18years = )

2006-11-05T19:37:00.000+08:00

Mark 4:35-41

Jesus Calms the Storm

35That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." 36Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. 37A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
39He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
40He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
41They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

part of our bible study today, which of course spoke out to someone who has had a problematic week.
sorry everyone, i ought not to complain to others.
forgot, that Jesus is indeed in the same boat as me, weathering the storm with me as much as i don't deserve it.
and that i should be asking Him for help, not anyone else.
and yup, for the first time in a week.. slept in peace = )

night call was really drama. 4 hr ward round in the biggest hospital, 3 hr tutorial, crash casesarean, 5 deliveries and haha tried performing one. tried!

but it was scary too.. we really thought the baby and mum would both be lost. thank God they survived.

speechless

2006-11-03T15:25:00.000+08:00

Dear Li Fang,

We have just been informed by UIUC that they are facing elective space constraints at their end. Therefore, we regret to inform that UIUC is unable to accept your application and all other documents which you had submitted earlier.

On behalf of UIUC, we apologize for the inconvenience caused and would greatly appreciate your kind understanding.

Please proceed to make alternative electives arrangements with local or other overseas universities for the elective period.

someone once said i complain too much.. so will keep quiet this time.

labour

2006-11-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

complicated case.

problem list:
1) daily tests
2) waking up at 5.45am daily
3) working till 9pm daily, weekly night calls
4) 7000word paper to edit and revamp in 1/12
5) Christmas party unplanned
6) support group lost
7) angry personal tutor
8) increasing A:H ratio
9) write-ups
10) vertiginous giddiness
11) not-so-mini clinical exams
12) caffeine dependence

Rx: quiet time
KIV Rav4

TCU 6/52

John 15:18-19
"When the world hates you, remember it hated me before it hated you. The world would love you if you belonged to it, but you don't. I chose you to come out of the world, and so it hates you."

2006-10-28T23:16:00.000+08:00

"you're a disgrace."

"i'm ashamed to go out with you."

"you never allow anyone to go close to you."

"you can never upkeep a relationship."

some of the things thrown into my face the past few days. last night became another breaking point.

granted. i've let people down. maybe almost everyone.

the worst part of being a new Christian is suddenly realising that you have let God down too.

and will continue to, for the rest of your life.

but last night, again a timely reminder by "a fresh start" how God loves us still.. always.. not because we are wonderful people, but simply, and purely because we are His forgiven children.

1 Corinthians 2: 15

The spiritual man makes judgement about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgement.

so it's ok to be a little deficient.. i'm sorry i'm not superwoman, i'm sorry i can't please anyone. but i'm really trying my best.

in case you were wondering, nope, nothing related to lovey-dovey relationships. no no. thank God.

expected this to be physically draining.. but didn't think it'll be emotionally draining too.

of course i'm fatter.. look at all the photos posted.. perhaps after waking up at 5.45am for 7 weeks, almost-daily tests, weekly clinical examinations and night calls plus no social life except for having to go to the lilla gems shop till 8pm every day, it'll all burn off. (haha, complaining again)

something extraordinary happened during today's testimonial. it's as if Someone took over? always shunned public speaking, but somehow it all flowed today. just hope the impact our Lord intended was made = )

my shame He took away..

another form of love..

2006-10-26T18:34:00.000+08:00

sat there.. staring into space.. drowning in a chocolate cake even though i'm not supposed to.

to my surprise, you came and sat beside me.

one look at my face, and you asked, "why are you feeling down?"

so i told you everything that happened today.

i expected to be scolded again for my utter stupidity.

but instead, you said, "it's ok. it's alright, don't worry. you can do it."

fork paused in mid-air.

because when you said that, for the first time in my life, i really believed it. i really believed i could.

thought i let you down, but i didn't.

i don't deserve your love, i don't deserve your time.. i've wasted so much time..

so i must put this down.. i will work harder.. study extra hard for this posting.. i want so much to make you proud of me.

substituted

2006-10-24T22:25:00.000+08:00

tonight i finally realised.. how far apart i've grown.

not from anyone. but everyone.

i'm sorry everybody. this song is for all of you.

"Here Without You" by 3 doors down

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me
The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me
Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

you were right. i'm not indispensable.

reflections

2006-10-22T23:34:00.000+08:00

sorry.. hardly have time to relax with a meal or just sleep this apparent-holiday.. but in the end, i hope it'll all be worth it:

Luke 5: 5-11

Simon answered, " Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets." When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon's partners. Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men." So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.

quite fortunate though, to catch grupo corpo in their brazilian parabelo and lecuona.. astounded by how they married both samba and ballet.. nothing to finish off hip-swaying cross-body-lead with a subtlely sensual yet elegant arabesque/ open 5th/ attitude en evant/retiree passe.. this is for the benefit of my dance classmates = ) pure beauty.

some dances got me thinking.. one in which the lady had to act as a corpse.. u noe, as limp as patients in the OT minus anaesthetist, oops sorry i mean porter arranging their arms.. and yea it must have been difficult acting dead when u're alive.. but anw was thinking abt who in fact gave me life (Jesus!) and eternal life.. and just thankful = ) also some dances in which the girl was in control (whoa) of course inviting sniggers from the crowd, but well.. i will never let anyone else control my life. only God.

can't believe i have to work fr 11am to 8pm on a public hol come tues.. argh who asked me to volunteer.. just hope studies won't suffer for this VIP(very impt posting)..

it really is different in uni.. when you know no one from your jc.. and just don't belong anywhere.
to the 3 friends facing this, please hang in there and smile.

excerpt from current fave song: so far away, for far too long..

and it's just You and me here now.
only You and me here now..

anaesthetised

2006-10-14T21:35:00.000+08:00

was a little down on sat.. really wanted to go out with family or frens.. esp on the 1st day of holiday.. but too giddy from bppv again.

luckily.. recovered in a day. yesterday was such fun at our church's anniversary lunch, wish i had more time with you guys = ( and lovely ladies a' dancing went to watch Mad Hot Ballroom in the hazy air at the esplanade till midnight.. talking about life at the rooftop terrace. talking about how.. someday, we will have to hang up the ballet shoes. well, there's always merengue.

there are 2 resplendent birthday girls this week at abof!

haha.. would love to post more but mid-way thru the funding proposal (i have no experience in asking for sponsorship.. and registration costs 400 bucks, newsletter is 20 DOLLARS a page.. oh man..) but well trust in Him now.. this support group is not for me.
Romans 8: 28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

thank you girly belle.. for the company today.. sorry for the poor appetite.. as the pictures show, been eating too much haha (all food on this blog courtesy of abof. want to post more pictures but server's down).. may we continue to grow in Christ = )

2006-10-07T23:01:00.000+08:00

woke up this morning.. not to the alarm clock, but on smelling the haze. serious! it makes eczema worse (where is a support grp when u need one.. haha..), allergic rhinitis cracking up again. bleh.

made a new fren. who asked me how's school and if i had plenty of tutorials. haha.. if only u knew, my school equates to poking veins, giving oxygen and inserting tubes.

enjoying anaesthesia surprisingly.. it's fun! to be isofluraned cos hands are too small to hold mask.. and falling asleep during lecture later (5 pple in the class.. so obvious) and woohoo.. managed to intubate on friday! immense sense of satisfaction cos without which the patient can't breathe effectively.. and of course the bagging and masking.. without which the patient can't live.. i mean, it just feels so important.. doing something many times a day which is life-saving. exciting also..always thought it was the boring side of the great divide, unlike the ever-busy surgeons.. but actually u have to be on ur toes and ensure the vitals are stable.. cos a single slip-up can lead to death..

which is why i kind of worry.. about choosing the path to dermatology. there are so many jokes abt it not being real medicine. and i worry too that it won't be as satisfying.. but then i worry too much =) irony isn't it.. that they only accept the top few.

initially, never quite understood the slant that sw's blog took, but think i noe why now.. cos there's just so much to write about, so much u want to share with the world.. and as the song says, dance about..

currently drowning in books.. better read as much as possible before obstetrics and gynaecology (O*shudder* & G *gasp*) starts. but thanks to a fresh start sw lent, read a chapter about Jesus always being with us. guess it is true. always prided myself on one point.. for over twenty years, never ever felt lonely.. always convinced it was a state of mind. until some months ago.. i felt.. very much alone. but this is more than luck, more than grace, more than love, guess what i meant in the prevoius post was, the Holy Spirit found me and now Jesus lives in me, and i no longer feel lonely anymore. He is taking my hand and it is a secure place to be.

while laying my head to rest just now, thought about how Jesus is a pillow to us too.. when we're tired, after turning to Him we feel rejuvenated and recharged (as karen said too!)

and lastly a continuation of the previous post when Jesus said in John 9:5 " I am the light of the world."

tried salsa on monday! cool.. but i still prefer ballet.
tried the brownie at abof today.. really really lip-smacking delicious. chocolatey but without the pharyngeal mucosal edema. only $4 some more..

small step.. but very long post

2006-10-01T21:52:00.000+08:00

been wanting to do this.. and guess today's sermon sparked it off.
going to be as honest as possible.. in order to relate to those reading this, so please forgive me Lord.

ok. left a big gaping hole as to how i became a Christian. sorry frens if u felt betrayed.. cos it was something deeply important and personal to me.

but church frens who were born into Christian families point out that my experience is vastly different fr theirs, and is something they'll never have. so therefore going to explain it, in the hope that maybe, somehow, it would have an effect = )

most of my close frens in medicine are Christians.. and went to Medicine Christian Fellowship events, mf's service in penang, had long talks etc.. so why wasn't i convinced then?

haha.. everyone thinks i'm a politically correct yes-man.. could not be more wrong.. i'm in fact more stubborn than a block of wood.

didn't recognise it then.. but the more pressure i felt with them around, the greater the sub-conscious barrier when it comes to experiencing and knowing the religion.. there were many thoughts that went thru my mind to denounce it, make it completely unreal.

things like..
"oh they hear and sing about God is great every week of course they'll be brainwashed into thinking that."
"yea right, when things do turn out right, how do they know it's not their own effort or maybe fate.. why do they say it's His grace?"
"why should anyone give their lives up to someone else that may not even exist? this is my life, i decide how to live it. i live for myself, my goals and my family. that's all."
" i don't need anyone. if i'm weak, frens and family will be my strength. in the end, i always made it thru without Him anyway."

but i suppose the model that grace introduced proved true, on retrospect. it's about the head of the train with the engine being believing the fact of religion, the fuel of the train being faith in the religion, and the passenger car, feeling. had several encounters, plus prophesies from the Bible which made me forced to believe in it factually, but the other two (faith and feeling) were lacking.

guess after numerous clinical postings and acknowledging there is a god, didn't do anything cos i just figured it should come naturally.

one fine day a lovely fren named belle invited me to her church dinner.. the 2nd time that i came into contact with Calvary Baptist. didn't feel anything as usual. but was objectively stirred by what a guy with NPC shared in his testi, that he used to only believe in himself. now, do i believe in myself? nope. not at all. i did believe in Him factually, but never did anything about it. of course, being practical, thought about how much more busy i'll be in future, and decided to try exploring after paeds.

went alone.. cos i've always felt religion is abt a personal relationship with Him. that was 6 weeks ago. to the uninitiated, been falling ill very often.. worst was that bacterial tonsillitis. ok so decided on Newton Life Church (www.newtonlifechurch.org) cos it was where i attended kindergarten and learnt songs like "Jesus loves me yes i know" etc. initially, didn't feel much, everything was foreign and still had those doubts.

i suppose it was His will that it struck. been suffering fr vertigo (BPV) post-URTI. but this time, it was so bad,barely able to move head (during ophthalmology.. which i was interested in but couldn't examine properly), couldn't eat cos nauseous, definitely couldn't dance or drive.. and it dragged on for 10 days despite stemetil, dramamine and all..

being sick is quite alright actually. physically. u get used to the pain. but, each time it happens, CNS depression sets in for me.. and it gets really bad sometimes.. nightmares, tears, all the pent-up emotions for the past few months return and u're just too weak to fight it. was angry, depressed, bitter and just.. desperate. msged bestie 4 times (haha sorry my dear.. didn't noe u were busy) to no avail. that's it. i was all alone. my family was wonderfully understanding, frens were helping me w schoolwork.. every possible source of support was there.. and i tried my best for many months but yet, it all came back to the dark ages. at that point, i realised how weak and helpless i was, how much i truly needed Him, how much His love really means. left with nothing else, i finally prayed. and asked Him for help.. that if i am to believe in Jesus, please guide me thru. that night, just read the Word, and it amazingly calmed me down. very first page i chanced upon.. was how Jesus healed a sick woman (part 4 of our He did what? series in the youth ministry haha)

subsequently, dunno why or how, but read a lil of the Bible everyday, and it was somehow pertinent to what i was troubled/ thinking about. the next time i went for service, actually teared at the song about laying your burden at the Cross.. even though didn't do so at the same song in Calvary. so began praying everyday and somehow He did show His grace.. as if He really wanted me to fully believe.. with the idea of support group to help God's people and learning to love one and its amazingly smooth passage. ENT posting was initially very difficult.. which saw me rely on Him more and more.. and patho was no better. in the end, with each church visit and day that passes, i find it harder and harder to explain.. it was as if i had experienced God. somehow u just know and feel that He is in your life, in you, every step of the way.

it's the most wonderful gift.. gift of eternal life, but again that drove me away initially cos i wanted to make sure i wasn't in here cos of fear of death, in fact i couldn't care less what happens after life. But He offers a beautiful life on earth too.. and a selfless love that will never leave you. enjoying quiet time everyday, youth ministry, weekly service and small grp. most of all.. frens! =)

life has certainly changed.. as the book says, a fresh start.
was just thinking abt this as i was going to this particular place. there are 2 stairwells that lead to it, one lit and the other dim. usually take the lit path (duh).. but somehow wanted to change things and take the dim one instead.. was no longer afraid, and found my way. made me think about how Jesus lights the path for us when He is within us, so we no longer need an artificial lamp.. or simply, Psalm 119:105 : Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path.

ok.. very long story. but it's the end (cos there are write-ups and proposal to do)

like you, i read things like these and other books that preach about the Gospel, and thought it was all a crappy illusion. it took years and many setbacks to realise i was wrong. just wanted to testify, that true belief in Christianity can never happen, until you let Him into your life and experience it for yourself.